reminder_to_self

uh-oh

2009-07-08T09:23:00.000-07:00

okays.

clever me thought that i was strong enough to take this.
the over-confident me,
went to a fren's fb page,
who is also a fren of ken's,
and happily looked thru their photos.

pic 1: oh, glad to know tt he's doing fine.
pic 2: he changed his hairstyle?
pic 3: has he thrown away all the shirts i gave him?
and den..
questions upon questions upon questions.

still with his gf?
y can't i add him on fb still?
have i reali gotten over him?
etc, etc, etc...
uh-oh.

this is crap all over again.

estranged

2009-07-07T07:45:00.000-07:00

at times.. i feel estranged.
like i'm fighting a war,
all by myself.

thing is,
i dun know if i'm fighting on the right side or not.

and for once, this post has nth to do with him.
hahaha.

u know,
i always feel tt the ppl whom i want to show me tt they love me,
don't do it.
but those tt i dun need them to show tt they love me,
do.
well, i guess the affirmation's gd,
but the vice versa is not so gd.

man. ultimately,
am i insecure?
i always thought not.
or perhaps i just am complicated,
or maybe i was just plain wrong.

at times, i think tt ken was reali great to have put up with me
for the longest time.
reali.

and my frens,
those reali close ones.
even i would give up on myself,
i dun understand why u guys don't.

man.
it's been awhile since i thought about things so seriously
until i get a headache.
ok, maybe the best word is not seriously,
it should be loooong.

alot of times,
i choose to escape,
run away,
tune out,
brush off,
everything but...

think.

aiya.

CSI MIAMI.

2009-05-19T23:41:00.000-07:00

happy 21st.

well wishes.

5 hours of work

sealed with a kiss

______

keep busy.

that's what i did.

woke up at 10, went to get ingredients, baked an incrediby hard to do cheesecake for PJ. didn't feel like doing at all since there were already alot of blisters on my fingers thanks to my eczyma but i had to do something. i wasn't concentrating at all.

things that went wrong:

i lifted the mixer up too early and cream cheese flew all over the place.

stained my mum's blue bowl pink because i was doing the jelly.

unable to dissolve the bloody gelatine.

carelessly picked up the pyrex dish and ended up having pink jelly liquid all over the floor.

stained my dad's white hard rock shirt pink in the process.

unable to get the sticky-ness from the jelly off the floor. (after mopping 3 times)

unable to get the sticky-ness of the bowls that i used to mix the raspberry jelly.

left my soup too long in the microwave and it splattered inside, all over the microwave.

burnt my Don's pie to a bitter black crust.

dropped my fork in my mum's room whilst eating.

fingers start to get worse due to the tons of detergent and soap that i used

i keep thinking, it can't get any worse already... , right? sigh. it never rains, but it pours. going on to dissect sam chapt 3 now. oh God, give me strength to get through this. it's only 3 in the afternoon, but it feels like eternity.

ho ken are you doing ok?

2009-05-16T09:48:00.000-07:00

can you stay strong?
can you go on?
ho ken are you doing okay?
____

i saw this coming the whole time,
and i dreaded it.
it's your birthday this wednesday.
i remembered that last year i intended
to throw a surprise party for you,
i even got the contacts of ur good army frens already.
but it's ok,
we're over.

guess this week's gonna be tough again.
but i'm gonna make it through,
i know that. (:
i know i'm stronger with every lapse i feel,
and this time,
i feel better already,
after crying.

my mum asked me why i was so quiet,
wen asked me why was i so emo,
i'm glad that ppl close to me notice and care,
but i couldn't answer them.
i just smiled and kept quiet...

yang's advice came back to me,
keep busy.
i will.

things to do:
1) plan lesson for samuel chapt 3
2) meeting with sze min
3) recee-ing for LCC games
4) work on thurs
5) learn parking frm dad on tues
6) plan PJ outing for angels and demons

and then, one week would have flown past again,
very soon.
and this nightmare will be over,
soon.

one step at a time.
___

don't waste your whole life trying
to get back what was taken away.

国境之南

2009-04-28T09:06:00.000-07:00

如果海会说话
如果风爱上砂
如果有些想念
遗忘在漫长的长假
我会聆听浪花让风吹过头发
任记忆里的爱情在时间潮汐里喧哗

非得等春天远了
夏天才近了
我是在回首时终于懂得

当阳光再次回到那飘着雨的国境之南
我会试着把那一年的故事
再接下去说完
当阳光再次离开那太晴朗的国境之南
你会不会把你曾带走的爱在告别前用微笑全归还

海很蓝
星光灿烂
我仍空着我的臂弯
天很宽在我独自唱歌的夜晚
请原谅我的爱
诉说的太缓慢

当阳光再次回到那飘着雨的国境之南
我会试着把
那一年的故事再接下去说完
当阳光再次离开那太晴朗的国境之南
你会不会把你曾带走的爱
在告别前用微笑全归还...
___

would you?

lapsing back

2009-04-14T23:23:00.000-07:00

i'm not missing you.
oh come on', who am i kidding?

here we go again.
let's just hope this cycle ends pronto.
if not, i've got my exams to tackle,
and i've reali "got life to do".

its over already.
when am i actually going to face facts huh?
ppl can try to help me,
talk to me,
counsel me,
but in the end?
its still my call,
if i dun help myself,
no one can.
in yang's words,
"that's where you've to learn by yourself.
cos no one can teach you that.."

i reali think i'm too whiny for my own good.
will (once again) make an effort to look on the
brighter side of life.

who am i kidding?
bah, humbug.

okok. burry myself in books,
burry myself in books,

burry, burrying,burried..

its always like tt huh,
the more u like at smth closely,
the more the word looks wrong.
look at the word "burry" for instance,
the more i type it,
the more it looks wrong.

conclusion?
in a relationship,
don't look at the fine print too much in future,
you'll be making ur own life miserable if u do.

jesus take the wheel

2009-04-12T10:38:00.000-07:00

i finally accepted him on facebook.
it took quite awhile,
coz',
it hurts to know that he still exists.

i duno to be glad or not tt he remembers me,
or whether to...
its hard. damn hard.
whatever it is,
the hurt is still there.
damage is still done.

but what do u want me to do?
super mixed feelings.
i still hope against hope.

"Jesus take the wheel,
Take it from my hands,
cause i can't do this on my own.
i'm letting go,
so give me one more chance,
and save me from this road i'm on.."

happy easter.
thank you for dying on the cross,
my beautiful saviour.

i think

2009-04-12T09:33:00.000-07:00

i think i'm reali messed up,
i onli live for temporal stuff.

i think i'm restless,
i can never decide just sit down and do smth.

i think my heart is broken,
coz it still hurts.

i think i'm gonna flunk my exams,
i'm not studying enough.

i think i'm lost,
i dunno what i want out of life.

i think i'm sick,
i'm having sore throat and flu.

i think i miss my sis,
i think only.

i think i have got no discipline,
i don't practice what i preach.

i think i ned to get away from this place,
i'm just escaping.

i think i'm deluding myself,
i think i think i think..

i can't make you love me

2009-04-08T08:11:00.000-07:00

Bonnie Raitt
I Can't Make You Love Me

Turn down the lights
Turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies

Just hold me close, don't patronize
Don't patronize me

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't

I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holdin me
Mornin will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't..

____

yes,
i can't make you love me,
if you don't.

don't speak

2009-04-06T02:50:00.000-07:00

gosh.
its still the same huh.
was looking at sab's profile coz it had her wishlist there.
and then,
i saw that ken and her just became friends.
u know,
the fb that shows what's going on a person's wall?

ya.
and everything hit me,
again.
the sinking feeling in my stomach.
the feeling that i'm gonna get the runs,
it happens everytime i realise that he's still
around.

ya, i know.
how long am i going to delude myself?
for as long as possible.
if that ever reaches eternity,
i'll be happy to live in this bubble.
sigh.
it never ends huh.
mixed feelings towards him still..
dulling, but still, mixed.

i keep thinking,
and hoping,
that i've FULLY gotten over him.
but, fat chance of that happening man.
makes me really want to realise my dream
of getting out of this country.
all because of ONE guy.

ugh.
disgusted with myself most of the time.
to ken,
"Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts"

yea. it does.
till now.

siao ar?

2009-04-02T07:14:00.000-07:00

ah ah ah...
i'm currently chasing the 9'oclock serial (as i always have)
and..........
i'm so in ove with joshua ang.

haiz.
need to snap out of this reverie again.
i rem i cried over elvin ng,
and maybe this time i'll cry over josh too.

i'm nuts.
ya i know.
lols.
josh josh josh..
gonn go mad le la.
21 yr old behaving like a retard.
tsk tsk tsk.

focus on ur exams huiling.
exams!
ugh.

-back to reality-
(but wishes to go back to fantasy)
tmrw josh, my date with u
9'oclock,
channel 8.

xoxo.

SIAO AR?!?

messy!

2009-04-01T19:51:00.001-07:00

okay. one essay down, a few million more to go.
man, i'm always so last min.
and i can imagine my younger screaming,
"Jie! it's not something to be proud of!"
ya.. i know, i know.

thing is,
i reali wanted to do this way earlier de.
but everytime i sat down in front of my lappy,
i ended up doing other things instead.
sighs.
not an excuse i know.

as of right now,
i'm like so packed with stuff.
=(
there's a french written test tmrw,
and i'm really scared for that
coz i think i know zilch about passe compose.
i so need to study after i come back from school later.
den i have this critical essay to hand in for my NIE course thingy.

next week,
even worse.
tuesday got this major Shakespeare essay
that requires 3 secondary sources
and 2500 word limit
(how to squueze 3 secondary sources in it?!)
and i got a french unseen oral
ALL DUE ON THE SAME DAY.
thursday,
i've got a drama essay due.
2000 word limit.
(even worse than the other one)

ok. at least i've been reading the shakepeare plays,
so not tt bad.
drama... err.
jia lat la.
i'm looking forward to thurs (5pm),
when all this madness ends.

den i can vent it all out on
sab's bday party
and the up-coming kayaking session
with my dear pigeons!
woots~
hahs. easily contented huh.

retreat (1)

2009-03-22T07:56:00.000-07:00

where do i begin man?

it was a roller coaster journey for the past 2 days.
there are so many thoughts that i can't seem to catch to pen down.
everything is sooo disjointed, but in a good way i guess.

it caused me to put things into perspective.
i need to learn selfless-ness. reali. it's not about me.
pride. tat gets in my way too.
and motivation, i need to get tt right.

i need time.

bede scott smiled at me!

2009-03-18T07:32:00.000-07:00

the incident that i was pissed about, is sooooo over. it took only one text from wayne the next day.

"hey jasmine, i ws very pissed yesterday so i didn't reply coz didn't wanna say anything i would regret. anyway it's okay la. i was pissed cos bernice went to school with me in the morning just for this rehearsal, so in the end she was in school the whole day for nothing. But i know it's not totally your fault since even if you had told me at 5, we were in school already. Just get my number right next time ok? and let both of us know. thanks for coordinating."

see!? we need guys like that in our society man. the very phrase "didnt wanna say anything i would regret", man, that was good stuff. usually we would just shoot our mouths off, but fortunately for both of us, he didn't. bermice has got herself a reali good guy. (: gd. at least one lady in singapore is better off than the majority. lol.

okok. now the main reason why i'm blogging.

BEDE SCOTT SMILED AT ME!!!!!

ok. perhaps because i was trying to get a handout from under his nose and he walked towards where i was sitting and politely handed me another sheet of paper. man. it took me a whole 15 mins to get over that. wahahaha. i was still gushing about his smile after the seminar.

i can stilll imagine him smiling at me now.. wa~ *in la la land...* scott is hot! lol

ok. back to reality. a ton of work waiting for me to tackle.

1) worship songs

2) essays --- 3 of them!!! (with sec. sources. screwed to the max.)

3) read my sis's emails

4) SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEP. (in desperate need of tt)

reali reali reali looking forward to my hols. (:

FYI, i'm reali in need of a hero. teehee.

freaking pissed

2009-03-16T04:27:00.001-07:00

OMG. i am so freaking pissed.
here goes... we were supposed to have band practice today but in the end wan ting text me to say that there was a screw up in the booking of rooms and hence today's slot was not available. so i had to inform the rest of the team. fine.

i sms-ed vincent, shawn, jamie, adeline and wayne. before i continue, one must know that there are a total of 7 ppl in the tea, including me. and bernice and wayne are a couple living in the same hall and hence i would assume (correct me if i'm wrong) that whatever msges i pass to either one of them would get thru to both of them. but apparently, i've got the number of wayne wrong. so, he didn't get the msg that today there was no meeting.

ok. i get the point that he's mad. but his text msg to me was this, "i don't kno w if you're trying to get any messages to me coz you obviously have my number wrong. This is my number, please store it. and next time when passing messages please just pass it to everyone. can't think of why you would have excluded bernice."

like HELLO? how in the world do i know that i got your number wrong in the first place. and i excluded her with the thinking tt u'd inform her right? look. i've got no intention of having to be the person who sources for the rooms, co-ordinates everything and constantly sends messages to ppl who do not reply. i'm damn freaking pissed also. the onus is sooo not on me. i absolutely refuse to do anything like this again. i swear, this is just another reminder of why one should just not take the initiative on anything, at all.

and the best part? i didn't even opt for this. i'm one of the youngest in the grp. i'm a bloody yr 2 and the rest? yr 4s. thanks ar. can ppl just cut me some slack already?!

ok. chill huiling, chill.

rainy days and mondays always get me down..

2009-03-08T21:19:00.000-07:00

"rainy days and mondays always get me down.."

a LETHAL combination of these two is happening right now. it's a monday and its raining. i was thinking, i used to love rainy days.. what happened? i guess it was because in the past, when it was raining, i could just sleep in and forget about anything or everything that is happening outside the boundaries of my bedroom. but now? i'll just automatically get up, irregardless of te weather.

rain would be nice when u know u have someone to share it with. the lovely cooling weather, and the thought of somewhere, out there, there's a special someone missing u? and u cn text tt person telling them they're missed, etc.. lols. see? i'm still a hopeless romantic at heart. rainy days now just make me day-dream alot. and one knows that when i start doing stupid stuff like tt, my mind would tend to wander, ALOT. oh wells.

just couldn't concentrate on doing anything today. woke up, made a list of things that i was supposed to do today, which was alot of things, but ended having no mood to do anything. highly unproductive. hate the feeling that i know i've got many things to do, but i'm doing nothing about it. i wish i could walk away from the troubles in my life as easily as Craig David puts it. i'd be rid of endless essays, presentations, emotions, responsibilities, accountability, everything and anything. but life's never gonna be that easy huh.

i was just thinking the other day, i'm thankful God gave me the ability to think, but to the extent that i think about stuff, is that a little too much? hmm... but i'm not complaining, i'm just wondering. and not that i'm thinking reali brilliant stuff either. yea, i knoe. i just have to push these thoughts outta my head, and pray reali reali hard tt they never re-surface again. but isn't that in itself a form on escapism?

got 2 quotes from just watching abit of Tomb Raider and Matrix aired yesterday.

1)"to deny the thought of impulse is to deny the very existence of our humanity."

2)"i left not because i couldn't kill you, i left because i could.."

hmm.. gonna try to be a little more productive now. hope your monday's a little better than mine.

screwed up

2009-02-26T09:06:00.000-08:00

i duno what's wrong with me recently. i seem to be stepping on everyone's toes. u know, sometimes i feel, the harder u try to avoid something, the more the thing tt u'r trying to acoid will happen?

sigh. i dunno.

life, what to make out of it?!

2009-02-19T07:33:00.000-08:00

so many thoughts have ben running thru my mind lately.. i can't real pen tem them totally i guess. i'll write my private thoughts in my diary whist the more genric stuff i'll post here.

right now, i'm learning to be content with life and the things that come along with it. there's not much i ca do also. lols. and u know what? my mum's experiencing existential discourse now. how the tables have turned huh. i think ultimately, we still feel the same way about life, young or old. it's just tt the responses are quite different. when u'r a child, u'r allowed to make mistakes, when ur a teen, u've got t be more careful, when u'r a young adult, u realise tt decisions have consequences, and lastly, when u'r an adult, u realise tt u can't do anything most of the time because alot of things have already been more or less fixed.

i duno man. i seriously get disillusioned by life sometimes. trying hard to reali hold on to the values and the plans God made for me, but i gets hard coz we're constantly bombarded by things of this world. oh well.

i guess the best thing to do now is to be content with life. and get rid of as many memories asi can.. ish. sometimes i think i'm better off with a concussion or smth. den again, i would have made the same mistakes tt caused me hurt and pain, and i would have to live thru it all over again! oh man. the irony of this whole situation.

i think life itself is the biggest irony of all times. if i were to write a play on it, it'd probably turn out more tragic than hamlet, more coincidental than 12th night, more surreal than a midsummer's night dream, more screwed up than the merchant of venice, more entertaining than much ado about nothing and more heavy than richard the second. (if you didn't get it, these are ALL shakespeare's plays. he's totally amazing man.)

life, what to make out of it?! (i'm contented, but i can't help complaining also!)

i hope you dance

2009-02-11T06:26:00.000-08:00

Ronan Keating
I Hope You Dance

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat, but always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes
I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance,
I hope you dance,
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin’ might mean takin’ chances,
but they're worth takin’
Lovin’ might be a mistake
but it's worth makin’

Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out, reconsider
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance,
I hope you dance (time is a wheel in constant motion always)
I hope you dance (rolling us along)
I hope you dance (tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder)
I hope you dance (where those years have gone)

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance,
dance,(time is wheel in constant motion always)
I hope you dance (rolling us along)
I hope you dance (tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder)
I hope you dance (where those years have gone)

I hope you dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
____

just let me let it all out,
please.

i wish i could sing this song personally to you.
i hope you're well,
perhaps with another girl,
and still,
i hope you're doing good.

i still do think about us, often.
but i don't think i can do much about it.
it still hurts at times,
but still,
i'm trying to hold on.

i still think of words you said,
promises you made,
i still believe in most of them
thus still,
i think of waiting..

excuses upon excuses,
tears heaped upon tears,
what more could i have said,
or done?

i've tried my best,
to move on,
it's getting better at times,
i think,
still,
it's hard.

dearest ken,
it pains me to write this
yet, still,
i hope you dance.
happy valentine's day.

loving you,
huiling

winner takes it all

2009-02-08T09:14:00.000-08:00

The Winner Takes it All

I dont wanna talk
About the things we've gone through
Though its hurting me
Now its history

I've played all my cards
And thats what you've done too
Nothing more to say
No more ace to play

The winner takes it all
The loser standing small
Beside the victory
Thats her destiny

I was in your arms
Thinking I belonged there
I figured it made sense
Building me a fence

Building me a home
Thinking Id be strong there
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules

The gods may throw a dice
Their minds as cold as ice
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear

The winner takes it all
The loser has to fall
Its simple and its plain
Why should I complain?

But tell me does she kiss
Like I used to kiss you?
Does it feel the same
When she calls your name?

Somewhere deep inside
You must know I miss you
But what can I say
Rules must be obeyed

The judges will decide
The likes of me abide
Spectators of the show
Always staying low

The game is on again
A lover or a friend
A big thing or a small
The winner takes it all

I dont wanna talk
If it makes you feel sad
And I understand
Youve come to shake my hand

I apologize
If it makes you feel bad
Seeing me so tense
No self-confidence

But you see
The winner takes it all
The winner takes it all......

____

ouch.
it still hurts, occassionally.

mean insensitive me

2009-02-05T21:27:00.000-08:00

u know, i've been feeling weird lately.

i think i've been too mean?
or too insensitive to the people around me.
nopes. no one told me tt,
but i kinda felt it.
tsk.
it's that kind of feeling where,
u kinda think u've offended many ppl,
but either they're too polite to say so,
but will slowly drift away from me,
or they'll just tell me up front,
and we'll most likely have a mini quarrell.

duno leh.
am i just too nonchalent with my actions?
then only when i think about it den i start to feel something?
i guess it's my rash and imaptient nature,
which i so have to change..

people,
if i've unknowingly offended anyone these past few days
i apologise k?
duno what's wrong with me also.
i need to change..

give me, give me, some time....

*sigh*
apologies.
either i'm PMS-ing
or i'm just..
jia lat.

2009-01-28T22:17:00.000-08:00

go0sh. here i am in school typing an entry for my blog..

and you know why?
@!&*^#$((*&@*#)
the clever me totally forgot that there was NO tutorial this week cause of the STUPID cny
brilliant huiling.
*applAuse*
and i was kinda telling myself,
great, i'm onli 15 mins late for this tutorial.
crap.
i need to learn to stop being SOOOOOOO blur.
seriously.

soooo looking forward to the cook out at min's later
good food,
great company,
who could ask for more man?
(:

CNY was not bad i should say.
lol.
spent 4 days in malaysia watching sooooo many movies.
1) red cliff 2 (in a cinema at pavillion, KL) --- 4 stars out of 5!
2) beverly hills chihuahua
3) Wild Child
4) half of 12 lotus
5) Kallang Roar
6) behind enemy lines 3 (superb!)
7) the invasion

man. that was totally how i should spend my life man.
oh ya. and half the time worrying about my french assignments,
which i keep pushing away up till now and lesson's tomorrow! (:s)
worrying about the endless readings,
and wondering what my JCC peeps were doing.
u were sorely missed hunks and babes...

man. i got a busy week ahead i think.
meeting ross on sunday
meeting jun hao and bestie for K on mon
meeting al on tues
wednesday rest i think
thurs got PJ
pubbing with NTU babes on fri.

there goes my week!
lol. love it to the max..

oh ya... there are instances where i do still think of him, sorely,
but FYI, it's getting better. (:
key point?
out of sight, out of mind.
and.....
good company and advice.
kudos to everyone who helped.
love u guys deep deep
many many
wide wide.
(:
loves.

ps: hon, thanks for the care bear poster on ur blog. love it!

oh ya,
i got myself a post bday, pre-valentine's day gift.
a diamond ring from lee hwa.
atta girls, we've got the power!
don't need to depend on guys la..
(hahas. totally random i know)

birthday!

2009-01-22T07:42:00.000-08:00

it's my birthday!!! hehe. oh man. 21 years old.
more responsibilities, more maturity, more everything!
oh well. don't think i'll change much also. haha.

but but but.. this year was sooo hapening tt i had to blog about it.
there were so many ppl tt wished my happy birthday..
thank you for all your well wishes,
your mini surprises,
and your love..

people who wished me happy birthday

(by sms in order of timing since 12am on 22nd jan 09')
-sacharissa
-jun hao
-angeline
-mindy
-mandy
-min hui
-ross
-wen wei
-sam tay
-angeline (yes, again! hehe.)
-lynnest
-edith
-mummy
-peh ern
-chih chiang
-wen wen
-wei yang
-debbie
-liang yu
-hannah
-su ren
-xiu feng
-daddy
-yi lin
-wen ling
-jun chong
-mandy (again to wish me happy last few mins of my bday!)

via facebook (again, in order of timing)
-liang yu
-ying kit
-cui lin
-xiu feng
-DR
-racheal
-xie ai
-hui min
-rebecca
-li ying
-bella
-david choo
-jeremy
-vanessa
-min hui
-tong li
-shi hui
-jun yan
-grace
-rehanah
-reena
-clifford
-chih chiang
-audrey
-darren
-shu en
-zac
-gift
-ching yi
-sze min
-bel bel

via post and card
-uncle sonny & auntie winnie

in person
-linnet (actually that was on paper)
-joyce
-jonathan
-roger
-josel (thx for calling at 2359 n being INTENTIONALLY the last to wish me. lol. )

now for all the birthday gifts that i received (in random order)
-wenwen : birthday dress & surprise yoghurt on my actual bday
-angeline & sam : a book and a lovely card & cake on my actual day
-nat & alexis : a pair of earrings and a pretty card
-josel & jun hao : longchamp handbag and 10 care bears! (wee~)
-ntu babes : agnes b. pouch
-sac : a prayer book, a beautiful card & a bookmark
-erina : face shop and skin food cream
-lynnest : a pair of earrings and a necklace
-sabrina : benefit body balm
-joyce : skin food mask and bb cream
-wei yang : new moon book & an adorable note (:
-selia: kelvin kern CD
-benedict: a self help book
-stephanie : david archuletta CD, a sweet card and a handmade necklace
-ross : wine, chocolate biscuits, a mini cow snowglobe & mentos gums
-mindy : a cow pencil case & a lovely necklace in a pretty box
-jon jnr : mug
-jon snr, jason, wen wei, ju, brian : an unbrella in a bottle & a wallet
-charis, debra & min : pic of edward cullen & me, handmade jigsaw puzzle, hair clip & note holder
-wenling & liangyu : purple shirt, purple chop, purple carebear, princess jasmine stickers & purple chocloates
-edith & joce: huge cow snowglobe, mouse pad & notepad
-chih chiang : a pretty hp chain with my name
-ben : bible
-peh ern & joseph : aromatherapy set
-uncle sonny & auntie winnie : CK's in2u (her)
-twa kor : ang pao
-mandy : orchid plant (trying hard to keep it alive. reali.)
-xiu feng: chain/belt/bracelet (however u wanna wear it. keke.)
-roger : wallet & dinner at sakura on my actual bday

love all of them. but mostly, thanks for all ur well wishes and for ur support all these years.
thans for sharing this special day with me and letting me know that i'm constantly loved, cherished and rememebered. (:

i'll continue to live for God and try to put a smile on ur faces whenever i can. i love all of u deeply and i thank God for putting each one of u in my life. reali. i couldn't have gotten this far without the help of God and u guys. i know i'm reali naggy, but i'm reali thankful and words just cannot seem to express this gratitude.

just know tt i'm always open should u guys ever wanna come running to me. i'll do anything within my power for u all. love all of u guys, alot. *muacks* i wouldn't give any of u up for anything...

my speech

2009-01-18T20:17:00.000-08:00

i had an absolutely, fantastic time at my birthday party.
the people there were all so sporting,
my uni frens helped out, alot.
this party wouldn't be possible without all of you.

there were mny thoughts running through my mind,
when i finally realised tt i'm gonna be 21 soon.

i reali thank God for where i am today.
so many times along the way,
i could have been cut off from life.
literally.
but looking back,
i'm still glad everything happened the way it did.

my failed relationships,
the mistakes i made along the way,
the regrets,
everything..

because if they didn't happen,
i would never know how much
the people around me
love me,
cherish me,
and most of all,
don't judge me.

my speech was kinda messed up on tt day,
but to the people that God sent along my way,
thank you so much.

mum and dad,
who could ask for better parents?
you guys have taught me everything.
from manners,
to depending on the Lord,
to the DOs and DON'Ts in life.
the both of you have been reali selfless in giving
the best to me.
you've never been stingy in showering love to me,
you've never made me want for anything more.
what you've given to me these 21 years,
i can't put a price to it.
what you did,
you did out of love,
something that i still have alot to learn about.
i seldom say this to you all directly,
but please know,
that i love you both,
deeply and dearly.

my dearest wenwen,
to the first best fren tt i ever had.
ups and downs,
you've been there.
your love to me can't be measured.
you know my likes and dislikes,
and most of the time,
you bear the brunt of my questioning of life.
thank you for ur wisdom,
in always guiding me back.
i see in you,
a good daughter, a good student, a good friend,
and tt is what i hope to acheive,
someday.
you've taught me more than i can ever pen down,
and i thank God everyday of my life for you.
no one could have asked for a better
companion,
friend,
and sister.
that's what you are to me,
and know that i love you,
come what may.

josel hon,
thanks for ur support,
and for always being on the line for me.
for ur selfless nature,
for always willing to give up anything for me,
"it's just you and me..."
"thank God i found you,
i'm lost, lost without you..."
i love you.

min hui & steph,
thanks for ur endless encouragements,
through the darkest period of my life.
u always take time out to figure out what's going on,
in my life.
i'm reali blessed to have u as a fren,
and i'm glad my sis
has a bestie and a leader,
like you guys. (:

debra, xiu feng, joyce, sabrina, ju, jon & hao
u all have been the joy of my life.
dancing and fellowship-ping with you all,
makes me feel so wanted.
i belong with you guys,
and for ur endless concern,
i'm truely grateful.

mindy and sam,
to the 2 best cell leaders.
thank you for ur patience,
guidance and wisdom.
there are so many times
where i didn't know how to pick myself up
but you guys always showed me how to do it,
God's way.
i only hope i have not dissapointed u all in any way,
and to be half of what u guys are,
i'd already be content.

PJ,
thanks for being my support system.
something i can fall back on,
without fail.
you guys have brought
fun, joy, laughter in my life.
the bond that we have there,
is something that i wouldn't relinquish so easily.
our open-ess,
our willing-ness to learn.
our common goals and aspirations,
make us all so...
united,
one.
let's just continue to shine brightly for God ya?

yang,
my new found brother.
ur simplicity amazes me.
i've found in you,
a friend that shares the same tastes as me,
and the same sentiments on many things.
(:
for that i'm grateful.
u make realise tt life isn't as complex
as i make it out to be.
thank you.

to PULSE,
everyone of you make my life
vibrant and colourful.
my cheerful disposition
is always made more cheerful
because of you guys.
i belong with this entire ministry
and let's strive together for God!

BBSS besties,
i'm glad we still keep in contact after all these years.
i couldn't have asked for better friends
to be my company through the best schooling years of my life.
you guys made my days in sec sch.
the endless pranks we played,
the times where we ~~attempted to study,~~
rofl.
continue to keep in contact k? (:

ross baby,
my primary sch fren!
thanks so much for still making the effort
to meet up with me despite our busy schedules.
for the late night drives,
the beautiful places that you brought me to,
the talking,
the thinking....
everything.
i'm so blessed to have known you for 14 years of my life.
here's to many many more years to come! (:

NTU sexy babes!
von, sexy clubber, nette, MLA format saviour & ching yi,
thanks for making uni life so much more bearable.
it's extremely and incrdibly tough
to think what uni life would be without you guys.
*hugs*
this birthday was made beautiful only by you guys.
time flies.
2 more years and we'll be graduates. =s
lectures and tutorials are so much more lively with u all.
thank you so much for the conversations,
the outings,
and basically,
everything.
lol. we reali are a crazy bunch huh.
let's stay that way,
for the rest of our lives ya?
i'm so glad to have found you all.
what would uni life be without all u pretty girls?
ans?
crap. keke.
so thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

man. this has got to be the longest post ever made by me.
but it's worth every single minute of typing out,
though words cannot actually express how glad
i am to have each and everyone of you
in my life.
like i said,

i wouldn't have it any other way.

~"i'm lucky to have been where i have been", thanks to each one of you. (: ~

torrent

2009-01-06T23:20:00.000-08:00

omg. i'm so freaking frustrated.

here goes..

maybe it's due to the planning of my bday party,
i have so many things to do.
the catering and cake itself is killing me already.
=s
fortunately my great uni frens have decided to help me
in all other aspects.

den when i thought things can finally get on track
i fight (not exactly fight per say) with my buddy

whoa.
maybe in the past i didn't have so much things on hand
so i could slowly think things through like i want to
but this time,
whatever i think, i think it comes out wrong
as in,
when i'm trying to explain,
it messes everything up even further.
but if dun explain,
i'll feel very pent up
because i'm one that always lets my feelings known.

so how?
ignore also cannot,
continue like tt also bu she ban fa.
dun even know if she'll get the wrong idea when she reads this.
ugh.

so freaking frustrated right now~
just when i thought i had things under control.

guess ultimately,
i'm just a person
who wants no strings attached.
perhaps that's how i want ppl to show love to me ba
with no strings attached also

i feel, so, stressed.
so obligated.
so irritated.
so frustrated.
dun ask me where all these feelings stem from
i'm half as confused,
so dun ask me to explain my confused self further.

i'm done with explanations
with expectations
with everything.

surrender.

thoughts..

2009-01-05T01:37:00.000-08:00

bye bye 2008 hello 2009.

was looking thru pics of a fren that used to be quite close to me and a group of us from church, and it got me thinking, we all have changed. from the same roots, same upbringing, many factors influence us top be who we are today. it does not mean that if one has the same kind of upbringing as another, they are likely to turn out the same way.

looking at pics of him and his girl and all his frens getting wasted (okay, maybe not exactly wasted, but very clearly drinking), made me ponder. is this what the youth of today are reali interested in? my cousin noticed him and his buddy slipping out on thanksgiving and looking at the pics of them and their surroundings, it's very obvious that they went to celebrate the new year with a hotel room with guys and girls and alcohol. seems like the norm to them.

to think pastor was actually happy that we were celebrating the new yr with church ppl instead of partying outside. ha! thank God most of the JCC youth are not like that. and i guess, these are the people that keep shephards moving. they are the ones that make ppl like me and sam not give up.

i thought it was reali meaningful the way this year's thanksgiving was held. the reminder of wher we are, and comingback to God, and our family. those are the things that matter. not booze, partying, havoc. =s seriously. i'm not trying to judge. our youth had a good time at s11 eating supper and preparing for sam's wedding performance and i thought that was the best thing anyone could ask for. good, clean, fun.

not that i'm condemning the ppl who go out and drink and waste their youth away, i myself am prone to do that occassionally, but hey, please stop and think, there are other ways to have fun. call me conservative, but at least i'm pretty sure i'm doing what God wants me to do.

my prayer this year? i pray that the youth of today will at least try to give God a chance in their lives.

for the exisisting youth christians, continue to perservere, and do what is right in God's eyes, no matter how hard it is. it pays off in the end, really.

for youth christians who are not active, don't give up on God cause you know he doesn't want to give up on you.. he loves you many many, deep, deep, wide, wide.. and he'll continue to do so, no matter how much u hurt Him, so pls try not to hurt a person tt loves you this much for so long k?

for non christian youth, i reali pray that u'll give God a chance to work in your lives and show u the potential u have. doesn't matter how wasted u are, how screwed up ur life is, it doesn't matter. broken hearts, broken lives, He'll take them all. i know, because i've been there. *smiles*

-i'm lucky to have been where i have been-

grateful heart

2008-12-25T19:36:00.000-08:00

i left for penang in high spirits yesterday. (:
a whole group of us went to watch twilight together before i came home to pack.
it just ends the christmas season so nicely.
isn't this what the christmas season is aboout?
the fellowship, communion and, the love of God above..

sounds familiar?
haha.
the concert overall was a success.
to everyone out there, all of u are important,
and we reali couldn't have done it without each one of you.
Thank you God for making this whole thing a success..
reali. i was so nervous,
and even though i knew i was performing for an audience of one,
that din't stop my heart from palpitating.

i was sooo scared, that i freaked out,
and nearly backed out from the performance.
but when i saw how everyone else was doing this for the glory of God,
even little Naomi,
i told myself,
huiling, dun let Satan have his way.

so up i went, and..
i didn't drop any of my flags.
the ppl ard me were reali nice.
they kept encouraging me.. (:
ppl like
wen, mand, josel, min, peiqi, xiufeng, sab, joyce, naomi.

Lord, may the seeds that were sown be planted and watered and grown,
in your time..

twilight was superb,
and the company was fun..
everything just fell into place.

hmm.. gotta start thinking of my new year's resolution le.
keke.

bali

2008-12-19T07:07:00.000-08:00

back from bali. i had loads oif fun over there. wihthout our cell phones, it's as though we only had each other for company. all the kids reali got along together reali well. by the end of 7 days, i think i can safely say that i know weiyang better.

this whole trip has been a been a real roller coaster. there were times where i felt lost, other times, confused, then the state of thinking too much.. yea. i know. you must be thinking, wth?! on a holiday also can like tt meh? oh well. i'm a person who thinks alot, irregardless of the situation or the place. sigh.

but coming back to singapore, the song tt hit my head first was michael learns to rock's that's why you go away. sigh. i guess at the end of the day, i still miss him. but it's ok. i'll be moving... one step at a time. this feeling sucks. but *Sigh*, there's nothing much i can do about it also.

we went to eat teppanyaki in Bali, and i remembered the only time i ever ate teppanyaki was with him. and on valentine's day. memories like these still haunt me. all i could do was to tell myself, at least now, the memory of eating teppanyaki would not belong to him only. but i duno how long i can last like that. it's ok la. i'll get over it in time.

the only question s, how long later? oh well. if it took jen 4 years to get over bradd, i guess my months of torment tentamount to nothing?

why do i love you? that is still the question. makes no sense. =s i dun make sense.

i still have probs uploadin the pics on facebook but if its up, u guys can go view it. i had a blast.

blessed.

2008-12-10T07:47:00.000-08:00

today i was made to throw away an old bag, and yepp. inside there were pieces and scraps of paper that contained memories of us. i was in a state of (whatever i have been blogging about in the past, i got no word to describe those feelings). then i just told myself to brush it off.

i realised that i haven't reali gotten over everything but it's ok. my God is a healing God and bit by bit He's making my heart whole again for Him, that i'm assured of. to God be the glory! (: to anyone who is hurting and reading my blog, i do not what you guys are going thru, believe me, but you know what? u'r gonna get better, and u'r gonna heal even faster with the help of God and the friends that He sent to show His amazing and never-ending love for you!

today's practice was quite smooth. i'm glad everything is going as planned. i only hope that this is what God is pleased with and this is the direction He wants us to go in. you know what? if your life is in tune with God's, naturally, everything you say and do would be about him. just like if one is in a relationship with their stead, they would tend to talk non-stop about tt person. hence, pardon me if i keep gushing about God's love and goodness in my life.

life has been great for me the past few weeks. i feel that my hols are reali well spent. managed to meet up with old friends like ben, edith, jr, liang yu, wenling, and made new frens like zac. managed to get to know more people in depth like josel, min, debra, and many many church people. i got to spend quality time with my younger sister and had fun with her. will upload pics of us on facebook. managed to squeeze in a few holiday getaways to Bali and Penang. looking forward to those man. (:

God has been so gracious to me. i have reali great uni frens. linnet actually helped me to do my online module picking today. i am so so grateful to her. DR didn't forget me and she actually asked me to go clubbing, which i declined as i had other things to do. lol. (: and von has been a dear. hope they're all having fun overseas now. thank God for wonderful frens like these... (:

Lord, thank you for loving me and never deserting me.
above all, may Your will be done.

2008-12-09T10:08:00.000-08:00

Lying in my bed,
I hear the clock tick,
and think of you
Caught up in circles,
confusion is nothing new

Flash back, warm night,
almost left behind
Suitcase of memories...
Time after

Sometime you pictured me,
I'm walking too far ahead
You're callin' to me,
I can't hear what you've said

You said, "Go slow, I fall behind"
The second hand unwinds...
If you're lost, you can look
and you'll find me,
Time after time

If you fall I will catch you,
I'll be waiting,
Time after time I turn,
my picture fades,
and darkness has turned to grey

Watching through windows,
you're wondering if I'm okay
Secrets, stolen, from deep inside,
The drum beats out of time...

If you're lost,
you can look and you will find me,
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you,
I'll be waiting,
Time after time
If you're lost, you can look and
you'll find me.

Time after time
If you fall I will catch you,
I will be waiting,
Time after time Time after time...

_____

nice song. i think i'm gonna start afresh. new year, new resolutions, new committments.
not gonna live in the shadow of the past anymore. (:
was telling min how i wanted to attempt to re-start things.
moving on already...

hurt still stays, but it's getting duller by the minute.
i've got so much to live for.
people to meet up with,
places to go,
things to do.
yepp. it's back to trying to make full use of my life again.

this time, i won't fall that easily le.
with the help of everyone else.
i've got a super bright future that i don't want anything to tarnish!
the best thing?
with every step of the way, i know that..
God is watching over me.
i'm comforted.

new beginning, here i come!
*by the end of this post i already know what song to put in this blog for the next post.. wahaha.

smile and forget...

2008-11-21T10:39:00.000-08:00

i've decided. i'm going to give him up.
reali, totally give him up.
yupp.
that's what i'm going to do.

i've thought about it.
it's no use me crying and trying my best to delude myself.

i envision myself,
if i ever meet him on the streets one day,
i will give him my sweetest smile,
and ask him how is he.
if he is with his gf,
i would smile and greet the both of them.
it may be awkward,
but i'll still go over,
and say hi first.

i'll be dressed prettily that day.
as when i go to town,
with make up and all.
at the end of the conversation,
i'd end it of with,
"let's keep in contact,
and remember to invite to your wedding.."
and this time,
i'll mean it.
and i'll give them my truest blessing,
no more, no less.
i'll let it be known that
he was the one who lost me,
and the best that he could find,
not vice versa.
it would be his loss,
not mine~

what's the use of clinging on to smth that was never meant to be yours?

if i fall down,
i'll just brush off the dirt,
and pick myself up,
like i've done the past 20 years.
not a big deal,
not a big issue either.
from now,
he's just going to be another fren that i had.

and in the meantime,
i'm going to wait for another prince charming,
to sweep me off my feet.
he may not be a prince exactly,
but he'd act like one..

i'd try my best. (:

troilus and criseyde books 3,4,5

2008-11-18T18:30:00.000-08:00

and once again, God proves otherwise.
lol. (he is a humourous God afterall.)
i was just lamenting that texts do not show the misery of love,
but i was wrong.
i made that comment when i had only read the first 2 books of
Troilus and Criseyde
after reading books 3,4,& 5
i beg to differ.
poor troilus.

O yonge fresshe folkes, he or she,
In which that love up groweth with your age,
Repeyreth hoom from worldly vanitee,
And of your herte up-casteth the visage
To thilke god that after his image
1840

Yow made, and thinketh al nis but a fayre
This world, that passeth sone as floures fayre.
And loveth him, the which that right for love
Upon a cros, our soules for to beye,
First starf, and roos, and sit in hevene a-bove;
1845

For he nil falsen no wight, dar I seye,
That wol his herte al hoolly on him leye.
And sin he best to love is, and most meke,
What nedeth feyned loves for to seke?
http://hompi.sogang.ac.kr/anthony/Chaucer/Troilus4-5.htm

in short,

O young joyous people, youths and maidens, in whom love ever grows up with your age, get yourself home from worldly vanity. Cast up the eyes of your heart to that God that made you after His image, and think that all this world is but a temporary amusement and passes as soon as the sweet flowers. And love Him who for pure love, to redeem our souls, first died upon the cross, and rose again, and now sits on high in heaven. He will fail no creature (of that be sure) who will set his heart wholly on Him. And since He is most gentle and best to love, what need to seek feigned loves? 1848

chaucer is truly a great poet,
but God, u'r the best poet of them all. (:

troilus and criseyde

2008-11-18T10:05:00.000-08:00

i still miss you. i've tried to stop. but it doesn't mean when i dun pen down what i think, you are erased. it doesn't.

it's now 2:06am.
i've got a paper in a few hours' time.
but i still can't sleep.
why?
i'm still crying myself to sleep.
how long is this torment going to last?
this is too high a price to pay,
to love someone.
everyone talks about the goodness of love,
my lit texts all glorify it,
but whoever talks about the disasters?
the aftermath?
the consequences?

i want so much to go away.
i'm looking forward to the hols.
where i can escape
to bali,
to penang..
i wanna get out of this place.
it holds too many memories.
but who am i kidding?
in every part of the world,
no matter however far i am from you,
i'd still miss you.
my dad says, dun think about it,
it'll eventually pass.
mind over matter.
daddy,
i'm trying.
for so long..
for so long.

the torrent of emotions.
who can help me?
i dun reali care what other people say about me writing in this blog.
i don't think its wrong to feel what i'm feeling now.
it's bad enough as it is,
without having to answer for it.
how can one answer for their sadness?
is this too heavy a respnsibility for a leader to shoulder?
that they must be strong at all times?

u used to be there.
a very very long time ago.
but i guess..
u'r there for another now.
i've been trying to hold back tears for so long.
it's a record this week.
one week.
but how else am i going to do this?
am i still walking around in circles?
am i still taking 2 steps forward, 5 steps back?

how?
i still love you.
i still miss you.
at first, i tried telling myself that it was that
i was in love with the feeling of being in love

but it's not
i cannot bear to think of being with abother other than you
am i going to live the rest of my life like that?
how?
i don't want to.
i swear.
who would want to live in torment the rest of their lives?
i'm not psycho.
i still love life.
i wanna enjoy it.
i want to go thru everyday happily
not lapse into this.

i'm still afraid to be happy.

who to blame?
no one but me.

"For love is yet the most stormy life,
in its own self, that ever was begun.
Ever some mistrust or foolish strife
is there in love, some cloud is over the sun,
so that we wretched women get nothing done
when we are woeful, but weep and sit and think:
our misfortune is that we our own woes drink."

-Geoffery Chaucer (Troilus and Criseyde)

爱转角

2008-11-17T20:25:00.000-08:00

罗志祥
爱转角

我伪装着
不露痕迹的想在你身边
静静的陪着看着天边
骑着单车
往前行进着某个路口
爱在等着
你往前走不回头看了
记忆的笑脸
缓缓的敲着我的琴键
我不舍得让你孤单单的
我爱你的心牵挂着
心不再拚命躲不去害怕结果
假设有个以后你会怎么说
一直想跟你说幸福不再溜走
下个路口
你会看见爱有美丽笑容

爱转角遇见了谁是否有爱情的美
爱转角以后的街能不能有我来陪
爱转角遇见了谁是否不让你流泪
也许陌生到了解让我来当你的谁
我不让爱掉眼泪不让你掉眼泪
现在永远你就是我就是我的美歌

心不再拚命躲不去害怕结果
假设有个以后你会怎么说
一直想跟你说幸福不再溜走
下个路口
你会看见爱有美丽笑容

爱转角遇见了谁
是否有爱情的美爱转角以后的街
能不能有我来陪
爱转角遇见了谁是否不让你流泪
也许陌生到了解让我来当你的谁
我不让爱掉眼泪
不让你掉眼泪
现在永远你就是我
就是我的美

爱转角遇见了谁
是否有爱情的美
爱转角以后的街能不能有我来陪
爱转角遇见了谁是否不让你流泪
将寂寞孤单作废
让我来当你的谁
我不让爱掉眼泪不让你掉眼泪
现在永远你就是我
就是我的美

K box.

2008-11-07T08:49:00.000-08:00

went to sing K today. first time. lol. quite an experience i must say. i duno half the songs that are on the list man. haha. oh well..

den there came an emo time. not very long. 45 mins max? i was tearing reali badly and i had to go to the toilet to cry. as everyone knows, i love songs. music in general. but the love for singing was actually honed by him. that's it. so many songs reminded me of him. shall post a vid on the one tat esp reminded me about us. sigh. it's been so long already. get over it man. this is taking forever..

and i mean forever. still think about him alot. the whole bus ride to town was spent thinking of him. bah. humbug.

okok. enough about the emo stuff.

we extended our stay at K for an hour. actually was supposed to sing till 2 but we extended till 3 and overstayed till 330? haha. bad ppl. pls dun learn from us. =s reached home at ard 530. was already behind time coz i wanted to start on my essay tt's due on mon (as everyone knows, my weekends are packed to the max. though i love it, it gives me no time to do this essay so i have to work round tt. hehe.)! grr.

but.... as usual, didn't manage to. went back home, settled down, turned on my lappy to supposedly work on my essay, ended up uploading photos and vids in my facebook. (what! dun look at me like that! o.0 we all have our days where we done end up doing what we started out to do what. esp things like h/w, studies and essays.. !! oh well.. i get ur point. i need to start on my essay.)

as i was uploading my vid.. my sis called. it went like this.. "*laughing* jie, my havianas snapped also.. *laughing (again)* i'm at Lot 1 now. *Laughs again* can come over and save me? *laughing, you guessed it, again*"

oh well. i totally understook her predicament coz i was there just like a few weeks ago? so, i decided to be a nice jie and bring her slippers over. guess what? i forgot to put her slippers in a plastic bag and i walked to Lot 1 carrying a pair of slippers. *shakes head* (dun ask me what was i thinking. i dun even think i was thinking.. =s)

when i met her at subway, she was laughing at me, yes yes yes, by now, we all know. let's say it together? AGAIN. she was thinking tt i wasw the stupidest girl in the world. oh well. i think so myself. so i saved her, and she was....... reali nice. she treated me to subway dinner.

i wanted to draw money to return her.. but the ATM was super far away. so.. yea. she insisted on treating me. and we were on the topic of what to get her for her bday pressie. !!!! *headache* streeeeessed.

went for music prac after tt. wen and i switched roles. she played to piano whilst i sung. oh ya.. she had a reali bad day. slipper snapped, forgot to bring hp to school.. haha.

and.. so here i am.. blogging about the day. tmrw have to wake up super early for dance. den its essay time... a big WHOPPEEE. ya.

exams are next week. scared but excited at the same time. haha. always get tt kind of andrenaline rush. haha. gotta work hard this time. MUST. i promised myself already. i've lost alot of things this yr, and i absolutely refuse to lose my place in NTU.

so till the next post, toodles!

____

ken, this is dedicated to you. (if u happen to chance upon my blog, by some weird stroke of ... *idk*)

the road is long, so what?

2008-11-05T07:49:00.000-08:00

i guess that's it. some nights, its just.. so quiet. its like, it's empty. i'm empty.

it's at times like these that i start to wonder..

i spent the whole trip to school this way.. wondering, and dreaming... so many thought crossed my mind. but how to possibly pen them down? i'll never be able to fathom what my mind is thinking about.

one thing struck me the most though. i saw a person wearing a shirt saying.. ,"the road is long.. So what?" i felt like yelling to the person. so what? he doesn't understand the meaning of the song at all. if he knew, he wouldn't be wearing that shirt. at all.

"The road is long
With many a winding turn
That leads us to who knows where
Who knows when
But I'm strong
Strong enough to carry him
He ain't heavy,
he's my brother

So on we go
His welfare is of my concern
No burden is he to bear
We'll get there
For I know
He would not encumber me
He ain't heavy,
he's my brother

If I'm laden at all
I'm laden with sadness
That everyone's heart
Isn't filled with the gladness
Of love for one another

It's a long, long road
From which there is no return
While we're on the way to there
Why not shareAnd the load
Doesn't weigh me down at all
He ain't heavy,
he's my brother

He's my brother
He ain't heavy,
he's my brother..."

if one understands the lyrics, they wouldn't be wearing that dumb shirt. the road is long, but its ok for you. try carrying your brother, singing the same song and then tell me, if you'd still say "so what."

when can the world ever reach that standard? sigh. i admit i'm also incapable of doing it myself, but i guess, with the help of the ppl around me.. we all should be able to do it. i have absolute faith in my church mates. i can envision them carrying me if i'm unable to walk, and they would do it willingly. and i would do the same for you guys too. anytime.

so ppl out there, pls, dun find the people around you burdensome, esp your loved ones. for all you know, you may end up being the burden to the ppl around you instead...

____

highly unproductive day. didn't do much readings. spent too much time ponderin about stuff. that has happened, are going to happen, etc...

"why is the mind incapable of deciding its own subject matter?" sometimes, i just think that i'm going mental.

sometimes.

i'll take the tears..

2008-11-04T08:49:00.000-08:00

A1
I'll Take The Tears

Don't speak, seal your lips
Please don't say a word
maybe I won't remember
the words I have not heard
I see that you're in love
I know it's not with me
But I don't want the truth to haunt my memory

[Pre-Chorus:]
It's never too late to relight the fire
It never stopped burning for me
The flame, it never died inside of me

[Chorus:]
How is it now that I can tell you
I love you
How is it only now that it's too late
What can I do?
The love that we had is torn in two
So you take the smiles
from all of our years
I'll take the tears

I sit and reminisce of times that we once shared
You gave me more than love
But never thought I cared
My feelings were all for you
Although it did not show
I only told you on the day you let me go

[Pre-Chorus]
[Chorus]

Now I realize that you're no longer mine
But I'm hoping the pain will heal in time
Although you're leaving, I won't say goodbye
coz i know, you're here, here with me inside...
Because I know you're here with me inside..

what the heck.

2008-11-03T06:24:00.000-08:00

why don't you ever understand?
why can't we ever not quarrel?
why is there this constant gulf between us?
ur stubborness, or my over-sensitivness?
which is it?
someone pls tell me...

going mad with all these nonsense.
i've enough to stress about without u adding to my probs.
seriously, ur prob got my thinking the whole day.
and it's seriously none of my business.
but becasue i still love you,
that's why i bother to think..

no one in my predicament tt is in their right mind
would lend you that amount of cash.
reali.
go find another person in my situation...
and ask them.
but i still do.
the least i ask is for u to be a little nicer to me.

but no....
u decide to add on to everything.
'ever thot how dumb it would be to lend ur ex money,
to spend on his current gf?'
although u claim otherwise,
tt thot did cross my mind.
(u asked me not to trust u myself)
i'm not supposed to qn...
to follow ur current, perfect gf.

OMG. i'm seriously mad.
as in cuckoo mad.
i'm supposed to beg u to take the cash.
and i'm not allowed to say anything.
what's that all about?
what u want me to do?
i hate ur gf,
sorta hate u,
but i hate myself the most.

so tell me how to reconcile all these feelings?
whose fault?
there's so much pent up anger...
i myself am in the middle of all this confusion,
so how?
unlike u, there's no one to "sayang" me.

what the heck.

12 hours of slp!!

2008-11-02T16:50:00.000-08:00

i slept for 12 friggin' hous. oh man. haha. i'm glad i have my power of sleep back. in the past, that was my favourite thing to do, catching up with my sleep, until recently, i couldn't do so. the slightest noise would wake me up and i couldn't get back to sleep after that. but now... ahh... i feel so well rested.

(: gonna mug hard in school today. staying back to study with frens. i'm soooo not gonna let this uni opportunity pass me by. its not easy to get a spot in the local u, so i'm gonna make the best out of this oppourtinity. plus, yesterday's reheasal went quite well. i'm relatively pleased i must say. all glory be to you oh God. plus, jason and roger were there to lighten the load as well. thanks guys! hopefully, everythg goes as planned and we'll have the whole thing up and running by mid november. exciting!

still thought of him, but onli for awhile this weekend. coz daddy, mummy and i went to ikea. haha. brought back quite alot of memories i must say, but i created a few new ones too. (: bought mr. elephant for wen. haha. she liked him so much. keke. (:

*need to think of how nat and steph can look more natural as a couple together... =s major prob.

happy halloween.

2008-10-31T09:26:00.000-07:00

i was thinking as i cooked the sweet potato soup with ginger ofr my dad (he actually requested for it btw. my cooking skills aren't that bad afterall. haha) that actully, love is a reali reali complex thing.

u know, once, i thought that after marriage, all will be fine and dandy, apart from the usual quarrells. but no.. i was wrong. reality is not as such. there are such things as extra-marital affairs, and sometimes, even the most docile of men can go astray. and who can blame them? it is usually the nature of men to look for novelty etc...

so it's like, after the whole saga and torture of love, one further subjects themselves to another bout of heart-wrenching and finger biting days where they can never tell the future. man. don't we get enough of that just by hearing our frens' stories? now, to add on to the horrors, i wonn't be surprised if it happens to any of my loved ones. *touch wood though* why make ur life miserable? sooooo not worth it. it's just like moving from part 1 of heartbreak to part 2.

u know, its scary when i realise that everything i stood for starts to fall apart. its bad enough attaching the stigma of breakups to love, but now, infidelity to marriage? sigh. what is this world coming to man? can anyone hold to any belief system at all? in the past, what used to be taboo, has now changed. seldom things are condemned.

so what concrete-ness is there in love, or in marriage, or in anything associated with these 2 for that matter? there isn't. even ifu are married, there is a high probability that ur spouse might cheat on u, esp in the 20th c. but are u to blame them? if u urself have not lusted or oogled at some hot guy or cute chick whilst in a relationship, then u may cast the first stone. so how to resolve this conflict? or once again, is this conflict not meant to be resolved at all?

i'm disappointed in love, and soon, in marriage. what for man people? what for get urselves into this mess? u may come out half dead, or dead. very rarely one may emerge triumphant out of it. human nature vs God.
____

don't ask me why i'm writing in this style. perhaps i still can't get out of essay mode. grr. oh well. beats being semi-emo. ha!

happy halloween peeps. (:

what if God was one of us?

2008-10-29T09:14:00.000-07:00

_____

and so frustration begins...

tired of everything. just wanna sleep and neve wake up.
when will the world end?
what if....

radom thoughts.
dual personality.
irritation.
tuesdays with morrie.
essays, responsibilities.
who's there?

laughter, tears.
experential stuff.
who understands?
who cares?
quit telling me life is good,
convince urself first.

wasting time.
dependency on ppl,
trusting in others,
sorry, wrong way.
you're on ur own girl.

fool again,
what if God was one of us?
who am i?
voice of truth..

going mad soon.
its not an empty threat.

why do i love you?

2008-10-28T05:57:00.000-07:00

_______

i reali duno why do i love you. eating was a toture just now. i was literally swallowing in pain with every mouthful.

why? my mum cooked dinner. i seldom eat home cooked food, apart from when i'm over at your place. guess what? emotions choked me again. the bowl of rice that was in front of me seemed endless. short of crying into my bowl, nearly puked.

i must learn to stop linking stuff up. but if i do so, my mind would be a total blank.

why do i love you? make no sense, at all.

you're right. so what if i have answers to certain questions? does it reali make a difference? no. the harm's done, and all i can do is just watch. can i reali stop anything? no again. what am i thinking? i myself also duno.if you think she's better, who am i to comment on anything? no one. what use is there if i continue to find answers? sometimes, answers can never be found. sometimes, answers just dun want to be fond. and sometimes, ignorance is reali bliss.

"like soldiers, march on.
if we can make it thru the night
we'll see the sun..."

march on, even though there's no one there for you... (thx al.)

2008-10-27T08:30:00.000-07:00

i'm left speechless once again.

take one step forward, 5 steps back. that's what's happening to me. i didn't want to hear the details.. but i had to. i need to learn to be detached. it's hopeless. evrything is.

i've had it with crying. i reali have. every tear is hopeless. hopeless!!! its not ur doing, its mine. it will never be yr fault. how can i ever bear to blame you? walk away, like u always do, and just escape everything. i want to also. but my conscience won't let me. it won't. even if i'm not the one at fault, i can't just go ahead and pretend nothing's happened.

i can onli put on a facade to the ppl ard me. i got a french ppt tt is due tmrw, but how can i continue? who will sympathise? no one. life still goes on. crap. i still need to get things done. sp be it. i will. dying in the process but i still WILL get things done.

isn't it easier to end life like that now? he's not worth it i know. but try telling my heart tt. tell my mind tt. how else to get rid of this pain? how? i can't live everyday like i'm walking on broken glass. with every decision i make, every step i take, every part of my body is hurting.

u'r with another girl.
my heart broke again.
how much more of this can i take?
it's inevitable i know.
but i was just hoping,
against all hopes, i know.

but still, is it wrong
to hope?
no it isn't.
but thing is, u can't reali blame anyone
when your heart is shattered.

i made a wrong call,
but tell me,
who hasn't?
so i hope no one blames me.
i'm tired.
tired of this blame game.

tired of everything.
i'm working on overdrive.
my batt level is critically low.

u always say u'r tired
but still, u move on.
when it was me,
u said u were tired and
didn't wanna try anymore
with her?
its the same.

lovely.
i reali reali hope u can find a girl
who loves u half as much as i do
and i hope i'll find a man
who loves me more than i love myself
(which isn't very hard)

i always give 101%.
when the other is onli willing to give 40..
how dumb can i get?
reali..
ever heard of the idiom
once bitten, twice shy?
apparently not.

its ok.
thinking of u doing things
that u did with me
with another girl,
kills me.
but den again,
i'm already 3/4 dead.
onli thing tt isn't dead?
is my physical body.

let's see how long tt
can be kept.

the show must go on..

i can give you freedom,
but do i want to compromise my beliefs?
do i want to lose myself further?
i love u enough to do tt,
question is,
do u love me enough to
stop me from doing it?
or to even attempt to bridge this huge gulf?

"is it so hard to love me?
am i that unlovable?"
those 2 lines from julia
comes directly from my own life.
directly.

can't u attempt to come back into my life?
walk a day in my shoes,
and u'll realise,
how much u mean to me.

________

Baby won't you tell me why
there is sadness in your eyes
I don't wanna say goodbye to you

Love is one big illusion
I should try to forget
but there is something left in my head

You're the one who set it up
now you're the one to make it stop
I'm the one who's feeling lost right now
Now you want me to forget every little thing you said
but there is something left in my head

Chorus:
I won't forget the way you're kissing
The feeling's so strong were lasting for so long
But I'm not the man your heart is missing
That's why you go away I know

You were never satisfied no matter how I tried
Now you wanna say goodbye to me
Love is one big illusion I should try to forget
but there is something left in my head

Chorus:
I won't forget the way you're kissing
The feeling's so strong...
Sitting here all alone in the middle of nowhere
Don't know which way to go
There ain't so much to say now between us
There ain't so much for you
There ain't so much for me anymore

Chorus
I won't forget the way you're kissing
The feeling's so strong...

2008-10-23T20:23:00.001-07:00

sometimes i just reali want to laugh at myself for being so silly. huiling ar huiling.. i gotta learn how to pace myself.

there are a few things i want to start trying to achieve starting today...
1) to be punctual
2) to pace myself
3) to think rationally
4) to be less emotional
5) to be more organised

there. i said it. actually i feel i'm quite capable, but i'm just not using the potential God has given me to the max. mine works on a on off, feel like it den do baisis. that's gonna change now. i'm always like accept stuff.. den after mope, cry, laze about, bum around, den last min chiong everything and den be on the verge of breaking down, which i know is jsut an excuse for myself. haha.

ok. gonna try to work on all these. i dun wanna be late, so although i got alot of things more to blog, i won't.

till the next time i blog, cheerios folks!

p/s: josel, thanks for helping my alter-ego get thru a tough night. *winks* so sorry i've been so busy lately. love u nonetheless k? thank you once again. u dunno how much it means to 'her'. (:

irrepearable

2008-10-22T05:02:00.000-07:00

i wa reminded just now that things/issues that are not settled soon would eventually be irrepearable. perhaps that is why God asks us not to be angry when the sun goes down on us. sigh. thinking back, i think whatever happened between the both of us is really irrepearable. it's been too long already. perhaps that's why all along i wanted to settle arguments on the spot.

i used to think that once i cried everything out, the chances of me crying again would be lesser. but i guess i was wrong. night after night, day after day, anyplace, anytime i can just break down. everything reminds me of you. today, just looking at guys carrying badminton rackets and badminton bags reminded me so badly of you. looking at the spagetti that people were eating that was airing on TVmobile was the final straw. i couldn't stop the tears from running down my cheeks. we used to eat at pastamania, i cooked spagetti for you once, knowing full well that i hate cooking. how can you be so cold towards everything? doesn't anything remind you of us at all? are u able to be so oblivious and callous to everything? can u just brush away everything..

but then again, what could you have done? i would have liked you to call, to text, anything, but would it change anything at all? knowing the rational you, you just wouldn't do stupid things like that huh. what do i want from you? that was a question that was constantly brought up during the final stages of our relationship. and i still think back of that question. ultimately, my answer is that, i want you. that's all. but u never seemed to understand that.

trying to re-order my life, re-define stuff, is hard. and i dunno why, but its getting harder by the day. my gosh, everyday is like, "thank God i've been thru this hell of a day." and my prayer in the morning? please help me get through this day. ya, i know the song.. 'new, every morning is new, the love of God to me is wonderfully new..' but try telling urself that when you're in my shoes. its reali hard.

but in singapore, it's a place where there is no time to mope and cry and just allow urself time to heal. tests still come in, commitments still come, essays still have to written, grades still have to be earned.. i'm so tired and bogged down by everything. i have no qualms about giving all my time up to anything and everything, but the thing is tt, recently i'm just so drained.

ppl around me, pls dun try and tell me "i can help me by....." it's ok. i don't want to be shown sympathy nor do i want to be known as weak. i'll just be tougher, or act that way. i can't tell the difference any longer. i just want to do everything like a normal person and just hopefully, emerge stronger at the end of the day. let's try not to make things awkward by you attempting to 'lighten' my load, though i thank you in advance.

furthermore, i've learnt to keep awkward issues to myself. no use talking to people about it also. it'll just merely put them in a spot. n i always hope that something good will come out of it. tried telling people how i feel but what can they do? so i'm giving up. don't ask, and i shan't tell and things won't be that awkward. let's just keep that status quo. period.

"Her life was split. Both day and night were competing for her."
______

looking at 4 year old bianca singing on America's Got Talent reminded me that i once had big dreams too. but girl, you'll learn one day that the world is not as fine as dandy as the songs you sing my dear girl. humanity wouldn't be that kind to you. but that would be a lesson that you'll learn when you're a little older. right now, continue living your dream, and i'll be rooting for you sweet girl...

mkaking love out of nothing at all

2008-10-20T01:38:00.000-07:00

can one reali make love out of nothing at all?

it's been a tough weekend. gonna be tougher still i guess. but one day, i'll see the end of the tunnel de.

people around me are constantly trying to cheer me up and i thank God for each one of you, but sometimes, i feel its pointless. it's my own battle. gotta fight it myself. sometimes, i just feel so overwhelmed. i've got personal problems, schoolwork, church stuff... how do ppl juggle everything? it's not easy at all. :s

it's so easy to be selfish. being selfless is sometimes hard. but i guess that's the devil trying to con me that that would be an easier way out.

do you know the extent of the damage caused? at times i wanna kill you, at other times, i just can't help thinking that i wanna give up and just throw away all self dignity and ask u back in my life again. but will it change anything? i guess this is the name of the game called love.

evrytime i see wedding pics, wedding couples, wedding related stuff, i smile to myself. i keep thinking am i ever gonna get there? will i ever love someone so passionately again? the times that i had with u was, so, intense. there isn't a better word to describe it.

u know. yesterday i turned on the tv, to watch pan's labyrinth, but i couldn't get thru it. 10 mins into the show and i gave up. tears just flooded my eyes. i gave up. how am i supposed to get thru all the 50-odd movies that we watched together, being aired on tv? just thinking about it puts my mind in panic mode already...

are we going to be irreconcilable right to the end?

what was the gulf that seperated us?

i'm lost for words.. watching mr and mrs smith reminds me so much of how the passion, chemistry and desire we had for each other. but i guess at the end of the day, when all these are not kept in check, it'll just merely cause a fire.

escapism.
______

Air Supply
Making Love Out of Nothing at all

I know just how to whisper,
And I know just how to cry;
I know just where to find the answers;
And I know just how to lie.

I know just how to fake it,
And I know just how to scheme;
I know just when to face the truth,
And then I know just when to dream.

And I know just where to touch you,
And I know just what to prove;
I know when to pull you closer,
And I know when to let you loose.

And I know the night is fading,
And I know that time's gonna fly;
And Im never gonna tell you everything
I've got to tell you,
But I know I've got to give it a try.

And I know the roads to riches,
And I know the ways to fame;
I know all the rules
And then I know how to break em'
And I always know the name of the game.

But I dont know how to leave you,
And Ill never let you fall;
And I dont know how you do it,
Making love out of nothing at all
(making love)
Out of nothing at all,
(making love)
Out of nothing at all,
(making love)
Out of nothing at all,
(making love)
Out of nothing at all,
(making love)
Out of nothing at all
(making love)
Out of nothing at all.

Every time I see you all the rays of the sun
Are streaming through the waves in your hair;
And every star in the sky is taking aim
At your eyes like a spotlight,
The beating of my heart is a drum,
and its lostAnd its looking for a rhythm like you.

You can take the darkness from the pit of the night
And turn into a beacon burning endlessly bright.
I've got to follow it, cause everything I know,
well its nothing till I give it to you.

I can make the run or stumble,
I can make the final block;
And I can make every tackle,
at the sound of the whistle,
I can make all the stadiums rock.

I can make tonight forever,
Or I can make it disappear by the dawn;
And I can make you every promise that has ever been made,
And I can make all your demons be gone.

But I'm never gonna make it without you,
Do you really want to see me crawl?
And I'm never gonna make it like you do,
Making love out of nothing at all.
(making love)

Out of nothing at all
(making love)
Out of nothing at all
(making love)
Out of nothing at all
(making love)
Out of nothing at all
(making love)
Out of nothing at all
(making love)
Out of nothing at all
(making love).....
____

what's the use of knowing so many things, when i don't have the person that i want to apply all these things to?

cry

2008-10-17T09:54:00.000-07:00

i cried. damn hard. i let out the torrent of tears that i was holding back for so long. uncontrollable sobs, until i couldn't breathe and i nearly threw up. it's so pain... so so pain. i thought i was over it, but i'm not. i'm still back at square one. the pain isn't any lesser, it just is still there.

i've been thinking about you alot recently. alot. perhaps it's stress, perhaps it's lonliness, perhaps.. it's just that i reali miss you. i'm half-dead now. i went through our past pictures, in particular, the botanic gardens one. i can't believe that that was not too long ago. what made me do that u ask? i was taking a cab home just now, and the last time i remember taking a cab was with you. perhaps that is the only cab memory that will be etched in my mind. i associate you with too many things, way too many. we used to break my curfew so we had to end up cabbing back. and u always made sure i was home safe first.

people reading my blog, pls don't be irritated with me or judge me. i swear you'll never know what i'm going through now. the pain is reali.... intense. i also wish that i can get rid of it. God knows how much. but i can't. i'm trying! heck, i'm in fact just trying to ignore this cold, hard fact. work myself super hard, keep myself occupied, keep myself busy.. but even in such a foolproof plan, there are loopholes, because, because i still end up thinking of you, no matter how i am. tired, half-sober, stressed, anything....

my thoughts are all so jumbled that i cannot think clearly. i feel so frustrated now, with things that are happening around me, and it will never seem so when i have people around me. no matter how hard the going gets, i'll still do it when i know i have people supporting me. but when i reach home.. i'm like in a totally different world. the reality of everything starts to sink in. does anyone get me at all? i'm not schizo.. i swear.

living everyday is reali a scary thing for me. i'm apprehensive about every night that comes. if i don't reali feel very very hurt and start crying like i did today, den it would considered an "alright" day. if not, like nights like this? i'd rather die i think.

how and why questions keep filling my mind. even if you don't care, deep inside my heart, i keep hoping that you do. i never gave up hope on you, never. even if the whole world says that i'm putting my hope in the wrong person, i'd still fight for you. heart, mind, soul, anything and everything. deep down, i'm still hoping that you'd prove everyone wrong. i'm trying reali hard to let go. you know how hard?

imagine me holding/clinging onto something so hard that my knuckles are white because my fists are so clenched. and in order for me to give up this something, i'm literally using all my strength to pry my fist open. (it was a game we used to play). i want so badly to open this fist that i'm using knives, blades,anything sharp to actually try and pry open these fingers and i'm bleeding so badly in the process that i duno where the wound is. it just feels pain everywhere. get the image? i'm not trying to be morbid here. but this is how hard..

josel asked me how come my take on relationships has changed. initially, i thought i saw the light and God reali spoke to me. ha! wake up la huiling. you're still the same loser. i just realised, just, that maybe at the end of the day, i'm not actively looking for any partner just because somewhere in my mis-mash of feelings, i'm still hoping that he'll return, someday, somehow. did i reali think i escaped everything? i still love you i guess. truly, madly, deeply.

at the end of this entry, i cried so hard that my eyes are swollen from crying while writing this entire post, and my heart is pain. literally. can anyone understand? i thought you did. thought.

cry.

________

one of my favourite photos. i reali loved you, and i still do. to ken's current/future gf, if u chance across this, it's not meant to spite you, neither is it meant to jeopardize your relationship in any way. i just reali miss him, that's all. i hope you understand. all the best to the both of you and i wish you well...

_________

Mandy Moore

Cry

I'll always remember

It was late afternoon

It lasted forever

And ended too soon

You were all by yourself

Staring up at a dark gray sky

I was changed

In places no one would find

All your feelings so deep inside (deep inside)

It was then that I realized

That forever was in your eyes

The moment I saw you cry

The moment that I saw you cry

It was late in september

And I've seen you before (and you were)

You were always the cold one

But i was never that sure

You were all by yourself

Staring at a dark gray sky

I was changed

In places no one would find

All your feelings so deep inside (deep inside)

It was then that I realized

That forever was in your eyes

The moment I saw you cry

I wanted to hold you

i wanted to make it go away

I wanted to know you

I wanted to make your everything, all right....

I'll always remember...

It was late afternoon...

In places no one would find...

In places no one would find

All your feelings so deep inside (deep inside)

It was then that I realized

That forever was in your eyes

The moment I saw you cry

corpse bride

2008-10-15T08:57:00.000-07:00

i still miss you. perhaps miss is not an apt word. think of you? whatever it is, thoughts of u still plague my mind. perhaps after a romance show? or anything that has a romance element to it... that's why sometimes, i'm afraid to face the world, knowing that i'd be bitter about such things. things that i used to love and like, i've slowly come to learn to let go of them. it's reali sad. looking back at the times where i reali thought like a kid, disillusioned by love and its romaces as told in novels and movies and shows... these do not happen in real life, i've come to know.

If I touch a burning candle
I can feel no pain
In the ice or in the wind it's all the same
Yet I feel my heart is aching
Though it doesn't beat it's breaking
And the pain here that I feel
Try and tell me it's not real
I know that I am dead
Yet it seems that
I still have some tears to shed

it's not that i'm trying to be emo here, but these are just real human feelings, that's all. i don't trust myself to talk to you. and up till now, i still haven't conquered my fear of going on msn. it's silly, i know, but its just.... just me. still, at times, i wake up, hoping to get an sms from you, but i don't. den again, there are times i'm happy with the way things are. sad love songs make me think of you, but happy ones, make me think of u even more.

got many many things to do. there are essays, readings, PJ h/w, cell, role play, french tests, the upcoming play, loose ends to tie up, miscellaneous stuff, exams... swamp-ed so many many things.

but i'm reali glad that i have good times too. the chalet that i had with roger's cell was incredibly fun. thanks to the ppl there. we played and talked and played on the beach till about 4 am. haha. incredible times. there were laughter, there were tears, everything included. the games and the bbq was superb! was trying to serve the guys, but i think they didn't notice.. haha. oh well. we're doing it for the glory of God, not men. (:

i'm reali reali packed, i mean seriously. i'm kinda booked till the end of october. haha. crazy schedule! but it beats sitting down, doing nothing but mope everyday i guess.

give thanks.

note to self: need to upload photos of our crab-eating session and my lecture slides soon. grr.
_____

here's a song i heard whilst watching tim burton's corpse bride.
(nice in a weird sorta way i guess)

MAGGOT
What does that whispy little brat have that you don't have double?

BLACK WIDOW
She can't hold a candle to the beauty of your smile

CORPSE BRIDE
How about a pulse?

MAGGOT
Overrated by a mile

BLACK WIDOW
Overbearing

MAGGOT
Overblown

MAGGOT AND BLACK WIDOW
If he only knew the you that we know

CORPSE BRIDE
(sigh)

BLACK WIDOW
And that silly little creature isn't wearing his ring

MAGGOT
And she doesn't play piano

MAGGOT AND BLACK WIDOW
Or dance

MAGGOT
Or sing

MAGGOT AND BLACK WIDOW
No she doesn't compare

CORPSE BRIDE
But she still breathes air

BLACK WIDOW
Who cares?

MAGGOT
Unimportant

BLACK WIDOW
Overrated

MAGGOT
Overblown

MAGGOT AND BLACK WIDOW
If only he could see How special you can be
If he only knew the you that we know

CORPSE BRIDE
If I touch a burning candle I can feel the pain
If you cut me with a knife it's still the same
And I know her heart is beating
And I know that I am dead
Yet the pain here that I feel
Try and tell me it's not real
For it seems that I still have a tear to shed

MAGGOT
The sure redeeming feature
From that little creature
Is that she's alive

BLACK WIDOW
Overrated

MAGGOT
Overblown

BLACK WIDOW
Everybody know that's just a temporary state
Which is cured very quickly when we meet our fate

MAGGOT
Who cares?

BLACK WIDOW
Unimportant

MAGGOT
Overrated

BLACK WIDOW
Overblown

MAGGOT AND BLACK WIDOW
If only he could see
How special you can be
If he only knew the you that we know

CORPSE BRIDE
If I touch a burning candle I can feel no pain
In the ice or in the wind it's all the same
Yet I feel my heart is aching
Though it doesn't beat it's breaking
And the pain here that I feel
Try and tell me it's not real
I know that I am dead
Yet it seems that I still have some tears to shed

i'm glad i've got friends like the maggot and the black widow. if not, i'll be way more emo than the corpse bride. but in a way, i do know how she feels. the irony? she's dead and i'm still living.

when God ran..

2008-10-07T08:15:00.000-07:00

Almighty God, the great I am
Immovable rock, omnipotent, powerful, awesome Lord
Victorious warrior, commanding King of Kings
Mighty conqueror, and the only time the only time I ever saw Him run

CHORUS:
Was when He ran to me, He took me in His arms
Held my head to His chest, said “My son’s come home again”
Lifted my face, wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice
He said,“Son do you know I still love you?”
He caught me by surprise when God ran

The day I left home I knew I’d broken His heart
And I wondered then if things could ever be the same
Then one night I remembered His love for me
And down that dusty road ahead I could see
It was the only time – it was the only time I ever saw Him run

And then He ran to me,
He took me in His arms
Held my head to His chest, said “My son’s come home again”
Lifted my face, wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice
He said,“Son do you know I still love you?”
He caught me by surprise as He brought me to my knees
When God ran – I saw Him run to me

BRIDGE:
I was so ashamed, all alone and so far away
But now I know He’s been waiting for this day
I saw Him run to me,
He took me in His arms
Held my head to His chest, said “My son’s come home again”
Lifted my face, wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice I felt His love for me again

He ran to me, He took me in His arms
Held my head to His chest, said “My son’s come home again”
Lifted my face, wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice
He said, “Son”, He called me Son
He said, “Son do you know I still love you?”
He ran to me and then I ran to Him
When God ran...

oh happy days...

2008-10-06T07:18:00.000-07:00

i had a blast at the retreat. played reali mad games like couch and saw mindy go crazy. wahahaha!!! we even did a mini film of jason's eating exploits.

man, i had so much fun there. i'm reali glad life's looking up for me. bye bye dark clouds, hellp sunshine! feeling so much happier now. ross baby, u'll get over her eventually k? i'm living proof of that. what doesn't kill you, only makes u stronger. (:

i feel so loved by the church ppl around me. soooooo looking forward to another of these camps. haha. there's another chalet coming up next week. following that, every sunday i'll be involved in the christmas outreach. busy, busy, busy! and.. i'm loving it!

went to have ice-cream with josel, min, yang, wen at MOF. superb ice cream and a great time of fellowship. keke. all the jie jies den accompanied yang to cut his hair. keke.

there are just so many happy meories to create and i'm glad God is there for me, and with me, every step of the way. providing me with love and care from ALL my frens.

now, i just got a whole list of things to do and i dunno where to start. haha. there's the confirmation of the cast, need propsmen, dance pracs, essays due, readings, meeting up with ppl. lol. i'm booked totally till the week after next. haha. great, great, great!

things are DEFINITELY looking better. and i've learnt, that i made the right choice in listening to you Lord. the peace that transcends all understanding filled my heart the minute i knew i made the right decision. (:

oh ya. hooked onto anime also. school rumble to be exact. still reali interested in love relationships, even in the form of cartoons. haha. i still reali believe that love will find a way de.. (: helps kill time too. thanks hon for introducing it to me and dumping it int my com. lol. >.<

i would gladly, gladly, gladly go into another retreat like that again!!!!!! thank you God for speaking to me through the beautiful surroundings. (:

i'm glad that my bout of terrible sickness is OVER. haven't been sick like that for th longest time ever. and i managed to get through, with the help of prayers from loving church frens and PJ and the concern of my school mates. see? God reminded me in a nice way that i dun reali need a man to sayang me. wahahaha. because there were none that did. apart from jon snr? haha. oh well...

*and i dreamt about KL. :s oh ya. posted over some stuff to ken too. hopefully he gets it.

writtten on the body

2008-09-26T03:48:00.000-07:00

i read finished jeanette winterson's,
written on the body.
every page reminded me of you,
of us,
of what's happening.
see?
i can never reali escape from you.

wonder what the heck's wrong with the both of us.
couldn't be my fault only.
it was 2 of us,
2 lives,
one relationship.
since when did it become 1 person,
2 lives.
ours with each other,
and seperately with the world.

i'm sick to the core everytime i think of you.
a stigma i guess.
i feel dizzy,
my stomach feels queasy,
and i'll get a terrible stomachache.
on top of that,
i'll just get very affected,
and very very very irritated.

no one's to blame.
reali.
all i've been trying to do
is to find out why we parted.

just a closure.
or a semi one.
it's been a month or 2 already..
so why the heck can't i get over you?

i want to bang my head against the all and just
attempt to be rid of everything.
stupid stupid girl.
do u even feel half the way i do?
or are you already up and going,
attempting to conquer another world,
another person,
another life...

the disillusionment of love just suck.
there are so many times
i just wanna pick up the phone and call u,
or text you.
but then,
what would i say?
hurl insults at u?
tell u how much i still want u back in my life?
keep quiet?
what what what????

it's not as easy as it looks,
it's not as easy as u think it is.
every bloody page was about you.
i was literally ploughing through
the whole book.
the whole damn book.
was i reali wrong?
i want to just walk away,
but is that possible anymore?
is that?

-"is happiness always a compromise?"
-"contentment is a feeling u say?
are u sure it's not an absence of feeling?"
-" when i say "i will be true to you"
i must mean it in spite of the formalities,
instead of the formalities. "

do u know what i'm trying to say?
do u understand what i'm trying to get thru to u?
do u,
do u,
do i?

i'm so caught in anguish & turmoil tt i can die.

messed up

2008-09-23T04:37:00.000-07:00

been reali down this past few days. don't feel like doing anything and all i can do is look depressed. haiz... dunno what's wrong with me also. like, get a life, can?

this is so not gonna work. keep trying to tell myself that my assignments are due and i NEED to do something soon, if not, i can forget about going overseas to study le. grr. when am i going to wake up man. my resolve... i better find it soon. reali reali soon, before i die of being a crappy loser or something. ugh. feel so disgusted with myself. all i am capable of is whinning and complaining and being lethargic. gonna do smth abt it soon.

on a lighter note. french was enjoyable today. pascal made it quite a fun lesson, since it was the hols and everything. i had to read the homework given to the class and i nearly died!! guess what the teacher said, i'm a drama mama. rofl. no surprise there. (:

homework, readings, church stuff, assignments, school, but why do i still feel so empty? meed to get rd of this void. finally finished reading cholera though. whoa. super super draggy book. quite inspirational, but draggy nonetheless. next up. written on the body. den essays, essays, essays..

God help me man. i'm so gonna need it.

______

on a side note, i was thinking, people always say i talk very fast. so here's an attempt at an explanation. if u think i'm talking fast, my brain is thinking way faster than that. i talk fast so as to catch up with what i'm saying. if not, that idea would just pass me by, and i'm like shoots, what was i trying to say just now. i also want to try to think slower, but my brain apparently doesn't allow that. hence, also, sometimes, whatver i say doesn't reali make much sense. coz i'm so busy trying to catch what my brain is saying that i can't reali filter the sense from the non-sense. so there. an attempt at an explanation.

*i thought about jerome just now. the one in kindegarten. he still remembers me, and so does peter. that always brings a smile to my face. always.

the winner takes it all

2008-09-22T09:30:00.000-07:00

_________

i reali reali like the lyrics of this song. it's all i wanna say to you ken. in the end, you win, i lose. simple as that. what's there more to say? nothing much to complain, nothing much i can do about it. all i can do is wait, out of my own accord. somehow, that feels.. right.

wondered where you were again on sunday. out with another girl? slacking? sleeping? out with friends? but i felt relief, once again. a mixure of feelings wrestled themselves within me. i dunno how to go on, but i'm just pushing myself, trying to escape, trying to tell myself over and over again that it's over. but it all seems so... surreal. thoughts of you are constantly plaguing my mind. i wish so much, time and again, i could turn back time. but then again, if i could, would i have reali changed anything? could i actually change anything?

one just feels a sense of loss. i've promised myself that i'm gonna start thinking of bigger things and the pressing needs of others, instead of all my minor love problems. actually, it's not a problem anymore, and the problem doesn't exist. i'm just creating one. (this sounds reali familiar. sigh.) in times like this, i duno what to do. i just.. just miss you, that's all. is that wrong? in the end, try as i might, i cannot erase thoughts of you. avoiding, i'm tryin. forgetting, it's hard. how do i start thinking of other things? try harder, i guess.

in evry post that concerns matters of the heart, not one is logical. not one at all.

it's painful, this entire process. but i'll be fine. i duno how long i can keep this up. but i'll be fine.

_______

thank you to the ppl who agreed to watch mama mia with me (ie, josel, wen, min, charis, jon snr, tsu ern, j, mindy & steph <-- in order of seating arrangement). i had a blast. (: josel's car ride was fun, the company was great, and the movie was superb.

i realised, movies can be watched with other ppl too. it's hard when the person beside me is not you, but i'll make this work. somehow. i'll get used to it.

wait?

2008-09-17T10:42:00.000-07:00

i need to get you out of my mind and stop letting u affect me. ur unseen prsence is felt. its either a reali sad case, or reali scary.

sigh. the ghost of u still keeps haunting me. get lost and leave me alone, will you. sigh. this is coming out way too harsh. all i know is that i still think about you, and i desperately need to rid u and memories of us out of my mind. i'm still wishing for a concussion occasionally. i'm even afraid of going on msn. haiz. doing all i can to avoid u already, but it seems that the more i run away, the clearer ur face is.

have been toying with the idea of waiting... alot of things that has to do with me now involves waiting. and i get a feelin God is trying to tell me smth abt tt. but i dun wanna read the wrong signals again. i've had enough of being so sure, and then realise that i've been sure, of the wrong thing. its so me.

fortunately God is there to make up for the weaknesses i have. and i believe that if i stay close beside him, he'll just lead me. and the best thing? i dun even need to think. i'll just have to follow. and.. i'll get to know what god knows. its so romantic. like both our hearts beating as one. i'll see what he sees, feel what he feels.. it would be a priviledge to be able to see that day.

for you and your people, God, no one else..

peace?

2008-09-15T07:06:00.000-07:00

this weekend was kinda ok.

didn't real have much time to brood over you,
but i still thought of you nonetheless.
friday i slept in and skipped class.
went out with von and linnet to orchard.
had quite abit of fun, for awhile.
i had music practice so i went home quite late.
knocked out as soon as my head touched the pillow. (:
thank God for that feeling which i thought i would never feel again.
saturday i woke up to ur dreaded sms.
had tuition in the morning.
found out who your girl was.
a bit affected.
had dance in the aftenoon,
inevitably thought about the times you picked me up from church.
at night, went out for dinner and a movie with ross.

for the longest time,
i only attributed movies to the both of us.
but now..
i'm beginning to learn to stand on my feet again.
still unsteady, but still..

sunday you didn't come to church.
wondered where were you for awhile.
kinda relieved that you didn't turn up, i must say.
had meetings..
chilled for awhile till dialect was over.
went out for dinner with family.
wanted to watch SSO concert, but it was raining.
played scrabble with family, whilst watching Herbie.
brought back a string of memories.
pushed them out of my mind.
momentary bliss.
i came in second.
my sister was first.

today, woke up to ur sms.
u broke u with tt girl.
i was at peace.
but deep down, i know this battle is far from over.
u'll still go on chasing,
until u destroy urself,
and leave a trail of broken hearts.

i'll still try..
"but they took pleasure in the error,
because the error protected them."
your take, i guess.

3 lines

2008-09-11T08:26:00.000-07:00

1) i detest driving anywhere near you place (and i would specially do a detour to avoid it)
2) i abhor the fact tt i'm not able to have fun in the things tt i love bcoz they remind me of you,
and 3) i hate myself for even thinking of you still (you're so not worth it)..

yet, why do i still do so? why do i still miss you? and everything reminds me of you. from movies, to places, to occassions, to people.. there's no running away from you, as much as i want to. nothing is enjoyable anymore. feels more like i'm trying to run away, to avoid, to just get by..

nobody can fault me for not trying. but i still have a very very soft spot for you. i'm willing to let myself be taken "advantage" of, even if i know i'll end up cut and bruised and nothing good will come out of it because i still love you. if this is eros love, than how much greater agape love is..

i'll go into lapses occasionally.. no, correction, frequently. bouts of crying, thoughts of dying, tell me, what have i not gone through? it hurts just thinking of you and another girl, but i'll still ren.. i'll hang on and wait, just because i love you. no more, no less...

sometimes, i'll smile, sometimes i'll cry, sometimes i'll just be angry, other times irritated and frustrated, but above all, i know that God is in charge, and i'm just gonna leave this entire mess into his loving hands. that's all i can do now, my hands are reali tied....

here's a short shoutout to the people who are there for me still, after listening to all my whinning and being there for me. muacks! love you all. josel, mindy, min hui, charis, evon, linnet, roger, joyce and ross.. i can never thank you all enough for the love you've showered on me. i only wish i can do more for you guys. i promise you i'll try..

happy birthday mindy! (: PJ was fun.. though i thoughts of you were nagging me at the back of my head. but its ok. i'll be fine. i will..

attached.

2008-09-08T16:26:00.000-07:00

"i'm attached."

two words.

my heart broke.

its gonna be a long long solitary journey. with me and God. like what Julia says in the script, "at least i know i've got God."

fine, choose the easier way out. i thought you real changed for me. at the end of the day, everything is just a lie. a facade. promises? were meant to be broken.

i wasn't mad. my heart shattered, and i was numb. i know the torrent of tears will hit later. school, home, church... life still goes on huh? i cannot base my life on you.. coz if i do, life will suck. rememeber huiling, audience of one. who am i living for?

den again, who am i trying to kid?

i'm staying still. still gonna wait. against all, i'll still wait.

all the best in ur new relationship.

it'll be hard. but i'll survive. i'll survive. i WILL survive, get it? not gonna break down.

new motto: trust no one, but yourself.

walking in the rain

2008-09-08T02:44:00.001-07:00

A1
Walking in the rain

Sitting by the window
Singing songs of love
Wishing you were here
Because the memory's not enough

Wear my mask in silence
Pretending I'm alright
If you could see then you would be
Standing by my side

It may be hard to believe
But girl you're the only one I need
It may be hard along the way
This feeling I get
When blue skies turn to grey

Feels like I'm walking in the rain
I find myself trying to wash away the pain
'Cause I need you to give me some shelter
'Cause I'm fading away
And baby, I'm walking in the rain

Every single hour
Of every single day
I need to cry, my eyes are dry
I've cried my tears away

Can't help but remember
How you made me feel
You dressed my soul and made me whole
You made my life complete

It may be hard to believe
But girl you're the only one I need
It may be hard along the way
This feeling I get
When blue skies turn to grey

Feels like I'm walking in the rain
I find myself trying to wash away the pain
'Cause I need you to give me some shelter
'Cause I'm fading away
And baby, I'm walking in the rain

Of all we've said and done
Remains the memories of days
When life was fun
But now when you are gone
I sit alone to watch the setting of the sun

Feels like I'm walking in the rain
I find myself trying to wash away the pain
'Cause I need you to give me some shelter
'Cause I'm fading away
And baby, I'm walking in the rain

i said, baby, i'm walking in the rain.

_______

ho ken, i still miss you very very much, even if i have to go through this hurt once again, i will willingly do so..

it hurts..

the irony? i'm only able to look at our pictures only when i'm crying reali badly, and by that time, all our faces are blurry and smudged.

crying in the rain..

2008-09-07T04:09:00.000-07:00

i drank enough chlorinated water to quench my thirst.

i swam enough laps to make myself numb.

i bathed long enough to cry all my tears that i've been holding back.

paintball was.. a bittersweet experience.

ken... i miss you so much. even if u don't, i do. i still wish, knowing that it would be against all odds, that you'd end up by my side again. can someone stop the pain that is in my heart for the longest time. please?

even if you don't care.. i do. i wanted so bad to ask if u got hurt. when you were alone, i wanted to strike up a conversation with you.. but, its so hard. i'm still thinking how can 2 people who were so in love with each other, can end up with nothing to say to each other after a simple breakup.

explain to me. please....

my heart is hurting so bad. i need to stop this pain. i reali need to. please tell me how. pls. i'm this close to giving up on myself. apparently, giving up on myself is much more easier than giving up on someone else.

the car ride was... a torture. tears flowed inncessantly.

i also dunno why i put myself through all this also. but after everything, i still can say that my feelings for u still hasn't changed. not one bit. i still love you every much as i did before our breakup. how can i find the strength to carry on doing stuff as if nothing happened? how?

let me just get over this pain and torture. let me go back to you. either that, or just let me perish.

_______

I'll never let you see
The way this broken heart is hurting me
I've got my pride
And I know how to hide
All the sorrow and pain
I'll do my crying in the rain

If I wait for cloudy skies
You won't know the rain from the tears in my eyes
You'll never know
That I still love you so
Though the heartaches remain
I'll do my crying in the rain

Raindrops falling from Heaven
Could never wash away my misery
But since we're not together
I look for stormy weather
To hide these tears I hope you never see

Some day when my crying's done
I'm gonna wear a smile and walk in the sun
I may be a fool
But 'til then darling you'll
Never see me complain
I'll do my crying in the rain....

random-ness

2008-09-05T08:05:00.000-07:00

everytime i think that my life is on track, you re-appear again. to wreck havoc? to remind me o stuff? bring back bad memories? what? *sigh*

up till now, i still dunno what i did wrong. i tried my best, i gave it my all. life is good at times, but at other times, it just reali suck. especially after all the attitude u give me. anticipation or dread everytime i see u on sunday i reali dunno.

i can reali relate with julia in the script.

a great leader is a good follower also. i am allowed to be vulnerable. i'm only human.

_____

God, endless praise be unto you.

min.. you're not forgotten. love u lots..

mindy, thanks for ur endless encouragement.

sam, take care and bon voyage.

wen, i'll pray for u.

josel, i thank God for u.

roger, thanks for remembering me.

STC, jia you!

ken, till 2017..

huiling, _____________ .

footprints in the sand

2008-09-02T20:18:00.000-07:00

Leona Lewis
Footprints in the sand

You walked with me,
Footprints in the sand,
And helped me understand,
Where I'm going.
You walked with me,
When I was all alone,
With so much unknown,
Along the way..
Then I heard you say..

I promise you,
I'm always there,
When your heart is filled with sorrow,
And despair..
I'll carry you
When you need a friend
You'll find my footprints in the sand

I see my life flash across the sky,
So many times have I been so afraid.
And just when I,
I thought I lost my way,
You gave me strength to carry on,
That's when you say,

I promise you I'm always there
When your heart is filled
With sorrow and despair
And, I'll carry you
When you need a friend
You'll find my footprints in the sand.

When I'm with you,
Well I know you've been there,
And I can feel you when you say,

I promise you
I'm always there
When your heart is filled
With sadness and despair
I'll carry you when you need a friend
You'll find my footprints in the sand.

When your heart is filled with
Sadness and despair,
I'll carry you when you need a friend
You'll find my footprints in the sand...

____

....because God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."
Hebrews 15:3a

thank you Lord Jesus. You were always, always there. always.

i'm touched beyond words..

what hurts the most

2008-08-27T18:47:00.000-07:00

Rascal Flatts
What hurts the most

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again
I pretend I'm ok
But that's not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin' to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' It
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you
That's what I was trying to do..

__

ouch. that hurt. image in my mind? a cactus and a balloon can never be in love. wanna see the actual picture? threadless.com

sigh

2008-08-27T08:50:00.000-07:00

sigh. another day, another whirlwind of activities, another day of heartbreak.

i guess this mark is never gonna leave me. i know i leave by the motto that i don't regret the things that i did, but just the things that i didn't do, but after all, i did make that one fatal mistake. that is hndering me from moving on, or, away.

sigh. how? i'm living in the shadows of the things that i did. and there's no way i can turn back time. i guess i can only ask God for forgiveness and see what He says about this. even if He can forgive me, i don't think i ever can forgive myself.

there's never going to be a solution to this, and i guess, all i can say is that, its do or die. this whole thing just keeps nagging at me from the back of my mind..

___

thanks al. for the reminder that its ok to err, and because of God's love, he died for me. and i'm worth it, "cuz he loves (me) alot alot alot."

-

2008-08-22T08:53:00.000-07:00

i've been extremely busy, but you never fail to be in my thoughts.

i dunno when can i ever fill this gapping hole in my heart. you're getting on fine, and i'm glad to know that. there are so many things i would like to share with you.. happy things, things that i learnt, things that are crappy in my life..

one day, i'll look back at all these and laugh. one day..

it's like, i'm just trying to push thoughts of you away throughout the entire day, but it all keeps coming back to me at night..

2008-08-20T19:20:00.000-07:00

many a time, all i can do is stare at blank spaces. thinking.. dreaming.. of simple things. things that i only have memories and pictures to remind me of. and that's all there is...

i've tried my best to hate you, and i've got ample reasons to do so, but.. try as i might, i never seem to be able to do so. it's beyond me. i guess the best thing to do now is to avoid you. i know its not a solution, but what else can i do?

if only i have the tolerance that i have towards you to other people.

that's something only love can do.

in the past, i could cry non stop, but now, what's left is just an aching pain everytime i think of you.... i'm getting there.
____

Only Love
Trademark

2 a.m. and the rain is falling
Here we are at the crossroads once again
You're telling me you're so confused
You can't make up your mind
"Is this meant to be?"
You're asking me

But only love can say - try again or walk away
But I believe for you and me
The sun will shine one day
So I'll just play my part
And pray you'll have a change of heart
But I can't make you see it through
That's something only love can do

In your arms as the dawn is breaking
Face to face and a thousand miles apart
I've tried my best to make you see
There's hope beyond the pain
If we give enough, if we learn to trust

[Chorus]

I know if I could find the words
To touch you deep inside
You'd give our dream just one more chance
Don't let this be our good-bye

voice of truth

2008-08-12T07:53:00.000-07:00

to have it all, and to lose it all again, is a crappy feeling..

sigh. i thought i could prove others wrong. i thought that for once, my theory of love would not be wrong. but i guess the whole world was right, and i was wrong.

i've been trying so hard to delude myself, but recently, perhaps its PMS, or perhaps its my system breaking down, or perhaps its because God wants to tell me something, but whatever it is, i think that something has to be done about this.

but somehow, i still think that its possible. i think its either i have alot of faith, or i'm just plain stupid.

whatever is best for your glory Lord. for you.

__

Casting Crowns
Voice of Truth

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
To the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out his hand

But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. 'Boy, you'll never win!'
"You'll never win"

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
And the voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant
With just a Sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again "boy, you'll never win!"
"You'll never win"

But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don't seem so high
From on top of them looking down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

what happens if we don't end up together

2008-08-11T07:28:00.001-07:00

"what happens if we don't end up together?"

this was a question that i used to ask when we were still in a relationship. but this time, you were the one posing the question. my heart ached. it hurt so, so bad. i was sobbing so hard. ironically, when one is in a relationship, this question seems irrelevant and taken lightly, in jest, but when one is on the verge of losing that relationship, everything seems to be more important and there seems to be a consequence to answering that question...

sigh.

i thought about it long and hard. but i still couldn't think of a satisfactory answer to give you, and i still can't. whatever i said, was trying my best to encapsulate everything, but to no avail. here's what i think would happen...

i still love you, and i always, always will, irregardless of who i become, what i do and everything else. i would wait for you till i'm 29, as promised, but on the day that i turn 30, i'll give up. no more, no less. from 30 to 55, i'll fully concentrate on my career, and i hope to have enough money to migrate. i'll most probably migrate to australia, gold coast. i would love to spend the rest of my life with you there, but i guess, if i have to go there alone, in attempt to forget the times that i had, i will.

i will get a house as near to the sea as possible, and every morning and night, i'll be thinking of you and reminsicing about all the times that we had. our plans, our dreams, our wishes, our songs, our time spent together.. i will never forget them, as long as i live, from the botton of my heart. sometimes, i may think of you and smile, other times i may sob very hard, but definitely, definitely still miss you. 1 year, 10 years.. they say time will heal all wounds, but it can never take away the ache that will forever be in my heart. i guess i'll live every day of my life wondering, "what could have been..."

this is the path that we both have chosen i guess. i've told you time and time again that the ball is in your court, and i really have no way of making you stay, so i shan't. i'll wait, for as long as i can, that i promise you.

if you really find another then i wish you the best in your life and i'll give the both of you blessings of lifelong happiness, but my only wish is that you won't forget me.

in my heart, your place is irreplaceable and i hope that mine is to..

there's not a day that passes by that i don't think of you.

i hope that admist it all, you'll know that i do still love you, ho ken.

beginnings..

2008-08-08T09:27:00.000-07:00

sigh. beginning of a new sem...

friends somehow make life in campus easier, but i can't help missing him. trying very hard to forget him, but to no avail. i have to try to fight back tears every time i'm in a public area. sometimes, i try to think that i'm better off without a guy like him, but why doesn't my heart allow me to think so?

it's so dreadful living life not knowing where you're headed, and i know i should quit whinning and take my own advice about you're better off without relationships when that person hurts you too much..

i still cry to sleep, occasionally. you know, sometimes i'm scared to be too happy, for fear that something bad would happen. even thinking of the times we had together is counted as a bad thing, for now at least. sigh. the feelings that i have within me is beyond what words can say. sometimes i think i'm moving on, just to realise that i'm not, and i'm just going about in circles. at times, when i read some materials regarding God, i feel at ease for awhile, but then, it just vanishes after that. i guess i can't become too reliant on God to save me from all this crap..

what to do? i'm trying very hard to continue living life as though nothing major happened, but its damn hard. damn damn hard. i literally reali have to grit my teeth and take a deep breath everyday and try to think that its a new day. i keep telling myself that i'll be fine, that i can take it in my stride, but can i? there's a thin line between being delusional and staying positive.

i realise that after a bad breakup right, nearly everyone that i know come out of it not stronger, but rather.. more.. jaded, cynical, hopeless. love, it can either make you or break you.

i guess we all try to learn, try to stay positive, but in the end.... i'm burying myself in endless tasks, readings, friends. but to no avail..

got to stay positive. got to, must. there's so much i gotta live for.. right? *shakes head* who am i kdding man? who?

_____

i miss jerome and peter and the whole of the honey bee class so much... i reali do. they give me the motivation to live, at least for now. how they always welcome me with open arms into their class, how they never forget me, though they're barely 4? they're always vying for my attention.. and the way that they find everything fascinating. i learn so much from them than they can ever learn from me.

jerome and gang.. now that all of you are constantly in my thoughts. even if i can't see you that often now.

i miss u guys very very much.

redang

2008-07-28T07:05:00.001-07:00

as promised, here are the pics of my redang trip.. (: enjoy.

The first pic of Laguna beach..

And i always will...

The endless stretch of beach

view from my chalet balcony

yours truly. (:

morning view of the beach

guess who dropped by for breakfast? tee hee.

missing the beautiful beach already..

gorgeous tanning ground

tanning!!

self explanatory

i'm so going back there again... (:

___

there are so many other pictures.. but for me to upload them all would take a gazillion years.. how am i some of u may ask?

i'm doing ok. still missing ken alot. but there's nothing i can do about it except to concede defeat and bow out gracefully. at times, i panic, when i realise that he's not around, but then, there's always comfort knowing that my God, a far greater being, is somewhre out there. watching over me. and he wants the best for me. "my God is so great, so strong and so mighty there's nothing my God cannot do.. " i guess that's the thought that keeps me going through every single day. it's tough. don't ask me how am i. coz i feel like crap sometimes. and if i tell u that, u'll feel awkward and not know how to continue the conversation.

for me to explain everything would be too tiring. coz everytime i explain, i have to give the full story. if not, its short changing either party. hence, pls try not to put me through this trouble. if i cry or i tear suddenly, dun freak out and start gathering around me. i dun want to entertain ppl. and frankly, the onli person i would like to comfort me, is not there, so others, pls dun try.

if not. if i'm happy, just let me be. know that if i smile, its a genuine smile. tired, sad, but genuine, and i would secretly, in my heart, thank God for that small little moments of happiness life brings. looking at things through the life of the little ones in nursery always brings joy to my life, albeit temporal, hence i love being with them... very much.

i was thinking the other day, what was my purpose in this world? why wouldn't God answer me that. but as i was walking... i saw the beautiful flowers and realised that that was it. my presence. the flowers that were swaying in the wind didn't know what their purpose on earth was for, but they help ppl like me, be reminded of God.. in every single aspect.

thank you for all your concern. (: i'll be fine. cut, hurt, bruised, but i'll be fine...

life without you is a blank..

2008-07-26T00:50:00.000-07:00

ken ken ken... i miss you, i need you.

when the whole world doesn't want to listen,
you were the only one who responded,
to my pleas,
to my cries of desperation.

but along the way,
i also dunno what happened.
now, for whatever shit that comes my way,
i'm alone.

friends who said that they would be there,
are not.
i don't blame them.
it's only human,
to not go all out for a person,
that you barely know.

you messaged me today,
"hi, i kinda miss you"
my response,
was the only one i knew.
to complain about
how my life was,
without you..

i'm sorry.
i shouldn't have.

but your one message,
helped me get through,
everything.
all the crap that i have been undertaking,
i stayed silent.
knowing that somewhere,
somehow,
you still think of me..
and i am missed.

in life, i never gave up,
i stayed positive,
because you were by my side.
you gave me hope to.
we were on the same side,
fighting alongside each other.

now..
just don't ask.
i've said it to you a thousand times,
and i'll say it again.
"i would rather a life of suffering,
with you by my side,
rather than to have a good life,
without you.."

ho ken..
i'm typing this,
out of desperation.
but i don't want to let you know,
directly,
how much i need and want you.

because in the end,
you may sympathise
with me,
and we'll be together again.

but none of our problems,
will ever get solved.

it's been so long since
i felt in love..
i forgot the feeling already.
its still there,
but its so hazy...

you were the one who taught me
the meaning of
love,
hope,
faith.
so why are u taking it
all away from me?

i still believe..
somewhere..
somehow,
we'll make it.

i love you,
now, and forever..

one msg,
get's me through the day.
your voice,
gets me through the night.

now,
i can't get through.
day or night...
i can't tell the difference anymore.

life without you is a blank.

*God, you are not forgotten,
but am i?

sometimes when we touch....

2008-07-25T09:51:00.000-07:00

Sometimes When We Touch - Dan Hill

You ask me if I love you
And I choke on my reply
I'd rather hurt you honestly
Than mislead you with a lie
And who am I to judge you
On what you say or do?
I'm only just beginning to see the real you

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

Romance and all its strategy
Leaves me battling with my pride
But through the insecurity
Some tenderness survives
I'm just another writer
Still trapped within my truth
A hesitant prize fighter
Still trapped within my youth

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

At times I'd like to break you
And drive you to your knees
At times I'd like to break through
And hold you endlessly

At times I understand you
And I know how hard you've tried
I've watched while love commands you
And I've watched love pass you by

At times I think we're drifters
Still searching for a friend
A brother or a sister
But then the passion flares again

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

perhaps, perhaps, perhaps

2008-07-24T22:23:00.000-07:00

back at one again.

this thing seems never seems to end. guess i've no one else to blame but myself for putting myself into this situation.

but the thing that is shared between ken and i, i guess no one else would or reali ever can understand. only God can. it's so, unique. its stupidity to believe or to keep holding on to the hope that a guy will come back to you even after all that has happened, but i still believe so. and i think ken does too, although everything else seems otherwise. i cannot really explain it myself. but its like we're gonna keep trying till one day in the end, we'll get it, or we'll die trying in the process. we just gotta keep the faith...

its true the hurt is sometimes there and everything else seems pointless, but the happiness that i share with him, far overides the bad things. and he isn't as bad as i make him up to be. its not that i'm trying to defend him or anything, but its more like, i do know how he thinks, but i just cannot come to terms with it.

but i gotta admit, i'm losing it. everytime he goes, i dream about him until he calls me. as in, i dream about him every night. but if he calls me, den i can sleep peacefully. and no, its not a preset mindset that causes me to be like this. it just happens. don't ask me why. not that i intentionally want to dream about him.

when he's not there, the boundless energy that i have within me seems to have vanished into thin air. everything seems to take lots more effort and all i wanna do is nothing. i don't even have the strength to eat anymore. maybe i was too dependent on him, but like they say, you never know what you've got until you lose it. no? i know this is a vicious cycle, and i've got to do something about it, but its like, i got no more drive to do anything. i keep telling myself that my strength comes from the Lord but that onli gets me through a portion of the day. though i think without the Lord, i would not be here typing now. i'd be lying on the bed and letting the world pass me by.

i'm tired of talking to people already. think i'm just gonna stick to everyday subjects from now. there's no need to go in depth.

perhaps, perhaps, perhaps....

kids..

2008-07-23T01:48:00.000-07:00

after this entire stint in JCCK, im gonna miss alot of the kids.. but to pen them all down into one post would not be possible. next next week starting school le, so i better try and pen down, or rather, type down a few of my kids first. 2, in fact.

jerome and peter will always be the 2 guys that i remember the most. don't misunderstand, they're onli 4 this year? but they're so adorable. Peter was the first friend that i made, and although he can't reali speak properly, he reali makes an effort to talk to me. and i appreciate that alot. moreover, there was one day when he decided to give me his dou sha bing. when he could eat it himself. so sweet rite? ya, i know. and oftentimes, it's all this little things that count. (: i'm gonna be ever grateful to them for the little spots of sunshines they put in my life. oh ya. Peter reali likes trains.

jerome right, he's rather slow in learning. but he talks and speaks very well. just that he seldom talks. we were thinking that perhaps he has Asperger's syndrom. but i like him very much. the way he recognises me and runs to me everytime i'm around before actually continuing with doing his stuff, is very sweet. its nice to note that i always can make him smile. but he has terrible tantrums. =s he's such a lovely child. he reali hates loud noises and is very interested in minute things. he has super long eyelashes, and i love it when he smiles. i'm missing him already. maybe i'll try to snap a few shots of him before i leave ba.

made many little new frens and they're all very adorable. especially the pre nursery and the nursery kids. i'm so in love with them.

i'm amazed at how fast the kids recognise me. i was there for barely a few lessons when they could already recognise me. so nice rite? okok. i'm gushing.

gonna upload pics of redang soon. such a beautiful place...

content?

2008-07-15T19:05:00.000-07:00

i've been thinking recently, and i thank God for the wonderful group of frens that i have. i reali can never thank them enough. especially the church ppl.

our community is so tight that we can like, share anything and just suddenly meet up and just chill and have fun. at ordinary places. i feel all these ordinary people lead extraordinary lives.

kudos to my cell leaders who have taught me alot. and i'm still learning from them every day of my life. i wouldn't have it any other way.

to the frens in JCC, there are so many. josel and charis popped by my place yesterday. its like so normal macham we like family like that.

that's the community that i want. you know. it makes me think that my life could revolve round church and its so self contained. they're all i'll ever need to fall back on. i mean, apart from God la. i'm so thankful for them.

actually, i've been thinking, what lessons has God taught me the past few years of my life. i'm already 20 and although i have nothing to my name, and half the time, i'm so blur about the things that are happening around me, i'm thankful that people still love me for who i am. sometimes i wonder if they'll ever gossip about me, but i think that even if they talk about me, its only to make fun or tease me. like what jason said, if its friendly teasing then no one minds. but if its like to make a jab at someone, then i think its not fair. haha.

don't ask me why am i blogging about such stuff man.

anyway, i think that work is a good thing for me. im sooo tired everyday that all i wanna do is sleep. but i still make the effort to go out with ken. and he also does make the effort to meet me although he's damn tired. so i guess its all right. (: and because of work, i got no time to pick quarrells with ken and i don't have the enrgy to argue with him le. perhaps this is what army is doing to him ba, but his is a long term thing. he doesn't have the energy to think beyond what is needed. i still do, becuase that is my character i guess. haha. there's always so much i want to say about him. keke. think our stage is kinda the stable stage now? think la. but not confirm.

oh ya. but he was reali sweet yesterday. we had dinner together. we ta bao-ed to my place. we had orh jian, char kuay teow and cai dau kui. all the typical singaporean dishes. haha. super full lor.

shoots!! feel like eating clam chowder now. grr.

okie. shall learn to be content for now. (:

*mindy's posts are always so inspiring and it gets me thinking even further. lol. ya i know. i think too much already.

2008-07-14T18:38:00.000-07:00

hmm. its been a while since i started blogging again.

well, the past few days, ken has been trying to be a better person i guess. and that's enough. the effort put in. (:

now, more about me and less about him. school is starting le. there's aprehension and excitedness. lol. its funny how i manage to feel like the first day of school every beginning of the term. ive been through this countless times already, yet, i haven't reali gotten over this feeling. oh well.

thing that keeps me worried is that i'm only registered for 2 subjects. if i don't get the subjects that are on my waiting list, i got nothing to study this sem!! *wails* why are computers so hard to understand? this stupid system sucks. why can't they just go through the normal paperwork way? abit more work la. but at least its fairer what. grr.. computers are the bane of my life. if they say guys are hard to figure out, try computers man.

another thing up is my driving test. ya, i know. again. the instructor was so worried that i was going to fail in the circuit that he booked circuit trainings for me one whole week, everyday, till my exam date. scary. lol. coz he onli gives his students one or two lessons in the circuit and then they go for their exms already. but me? lol. i must be his worst student. u know what? my mum was sooo cute the other day, she asked me to go into her room urgently. and what did she do? she made me read an article in the newspaper (for those ppl who still dunno me, i DO NOT read the papers. they're dirty , and boring and it makes absolutely no sense for me to read, yet.) and what was the article about? a lady failing her driving tests for 72 times? or was it 30 something? aiya. something like that la. my mummy said, "you can't be worse than her right?" lol.

okie. last thing to update. going to redang on thursday to swim with the fishies!! yAy! kinda excited. pray hard that the weather holds up and that my da yi ma doesn't come. lol. sooo looking forward to the beach. (: hopefully i'll get a nice tan line. keke. *fingers crossed*

so my life has been all right so far. i'm so happy that i finally can get to sleep every night. say what you want la, but i think ken sorta stabilises my life. i think. haha. been working at JCCK. love the small kids there. (: i feel that God has been real good to me this hols, in fact, everyday of my life. the first 2 months were to do nothing, coz i was reali very cut up about ken and certain issues. in between i got to go to Malacca and Port Dickson and got paid for it also! it was a time for me to forget Singapore and i had fun. den i got the tuition job in between and my tuition kids are reali nice and bubbly and lovely to talk to. and now i'm at JCCK. God really provides. i was kinda worried about my expenses for my driving coz i wasn't working. but God is good, all the time, indeed! (:

*hope that ross is doing fine in army.

dear ken

2008-07-08T09:00:00.000-07:00

ok. i'm gonna let it all out. again

here goes.

it's gonna be called, "dear ken.."

dear ken,

there are so many things i want to say to you,
but you don't have the time and patience to hear me out.
everytime i try to bring up something that i feel insecure about,
you dismiss it.

i'm trying to think on your part.
i admit i don't reali understand you,
but you're not making it easy either.

i'll continue trying,
to the best of my ability.
give all,
and expect nothing back.

think we're both in a a state of confusion?
i'm constantly thinking of what is the next course of action,
i can execute.

but your solution is..
to go slow.

no one's right,
no one's wrong.
but how come everything seems to be in a mess?

i also dunno what to do.
i think.. that i dunno what to think le.

i'm just..

lost.

together or not?

2008-06-22T05:09:00.000-07:00

ken and i are sorta together again.

i think. but i can't help thinking also that i'm just not cut out to be in a relationship. the guy of my dreams is non-existent. its not about high expectations, but rather, about this super unique individual that i need.

i need someone who can give me their all. full 100%. and i know myself. i'm the super possesive and easily jealous type. so i reali reali need a very patient guy. i'm not those kind of girl who is very confident about herself. i constantly need someone to encourage me. its very tiring for that someone, but that's what i need.

this whole relationship thing is so messy. i'm very lost. that's why i try so hard with ken. its like, after him, i totally see no point in trying. "its not his fault, its mine." cliched, but true in my case. i'm just too unique a person to find someone to complement me. at the end of the day, the other party will just feel like their gf is a very trying girl, who demands too much and has very high expectations.

but i'm not. i just know myself only. but not any guy is willing to sacrifice whatever comfort they have and actually change for me. at least, none i have met yet. ken is halfway there.

u know, ken is scared of making me mad, that's why he just agrees with whatever i say. and i do the same. i'm scared of making him mad, so i just say ok, even though i don't reali agree. in the end, we just end up both so bitter.

people, i reali dunno the status of my relationship. i wanna say that i'm attached, but then i'm scared of reali getting into the relationship again. so how? if i define this as a relationship, i'll put in alot more. i know its kinda unfair to ken, but i dunno how also. so am i attached or not? i dunno. i want to give it another shot, but everything seems so.. uncertain now. he can't make any promises, and i understand. but in the meantime, what do u expect me to do?

even if i take a risk again, common sense tells me that i need to make a calculated risk. i know he promised not to ever leave again, but i still can't get security from him. when i'm with him, i feel as if he reali loves me, and that nothing matters more. but everytime he's not by my side, i go berserk. in the sense that, he won't auto contact me or anything. maybe i'm being paranoid, but everything is relative, right? for all u know, u can say that he can't be bothered with me after he's done meeting me.

people always say i think too much. problem is, no one can ever give me a satisfactory answer to solve any of my thinkings. so in the end, it all starts to pile up. and memories that are created in me, are perpetually there. that makes it hard to create more space in my brain. that's why i think i'm getting stupid-er. dunno if that's possible or not. perhaps its just an excuse.

i reali think i should go into a mental hospital or smth. IMH. see chong hock there perhaps. lol.

huiling ar huiling. what more you want? you already have ken by your side. when u don't have him, u go mad, when u have him, u also go mad.

moral of the story? GUYS. you can't live with them, you can't live without them. :)

pain

2008-06-15T10:07:00.000-07:00

i am disinterested in everything i do.
my dad thinks that i'm way too upset over this.
i think that i'm going mad.

i never remember what i intended to blog about.
but it always revolves round sadness and insanity.

its damn pain going through this, ken.
damn pain.

but what am i to do?
i'm not the controller in this relationship.

i'm afraid to go to sleep in the afternoon because
if i do so,
i'm scared that i cannot fall asleep at night.
i'm trying to keep myself awake
during the day,
coz i always don't have a good night's rest.
but yet, i can't slp in the afternoon.
and do you know how terrible that feeling is?
i'm doing all i can,
to make sure i'm so tired,
during the day,
to ensure,
that i lie flat and actually
sleep,
every night.
even so,
sometimes,
i still can't sleep.
i'm a wreck, a zombie.
if u care.

the things that i love to do the most.
like reading and sleeping?
has become a chore.
a scary thing that i wanna avoid,
at all cost.
i'm too tired to even,
think.
ask my family.
they'll tell you.
i don't even argue anymore.
what's the point?

i have to constantly psycho myself,
tell myself that you're not worth,
my tears,
me getting upset,
my everything.
u know why?
coz if i just go with my feelings,
i'll just want to go and beg
beg you to be my bf.

but i have got more dignity
than that.
painful.
but i still have dignity.
i guess.

to go out.
means to re-live all the memories
all the times we shared.
so dumb.

you don't care one single bit, do you?

you wanna know signs of being delusional?
i was feeling like crap,
the past few days.

today was the ultimate.
i had to be involved in games day.
acted like everything's fine.
but deep down,
i'm still very much affected by
what you're doing to me.

then i got a call from an
unknown number at 4:15pm.
ur home number was private.
the person on the other line
didn't say anything.
i thought it was you.
and u know what?
i was happier.

i was happier than i was in days.
funny thing?
for all u know,
it was a stranger with a private line,
calling on the wrong number.

and u know what also?
i refused to hang up.
coz i kept hoping it was you.
i held on by saying
"hello"
for a full 28 seconds.
for fear that i would be hanging up
on you.

that's how much i love,
and miss you.

after all that you've done to me.
i'm sorry to say that i still feel,
the way i do.

from day one,
to the day we broke up.
my heart raced everytime
i saw ur number on my hp id.
i made extra effort to dress up
if i was going out with you
though i always act surprised
when u complimented me.
i make an effort,
to like every single gift you gave me.
even if it wasn't what i reali wanted.
i still have the roses u gave me for our
4th month anniversary.
all dried and withered.
but i still have them.

its so pain,
to re-live this.
day by day,
hour by hour,
min by min,
sec by sec.

______

thanks to josel, lynnest and charis.
i reali had fun today at Swensen's.
thanks for the words,
of comfort.
enjoyed your company,
and i always will.
loves.

sad

2008-06-13T23:49:00.000-07:00

why does he keep sending me mixed signals? i sorta thinks he wants this relationship, but on the other hand, he doesn't want to do anything about it.

why?

my mum always says that i'm too trusting. which i think is true. i keep thinking that its ok to let people know about me, and what u see is what you get. i thought the same way when i was with ken. i let my guard down. let him see all my weaknesses, and everything that i fear or am scared of, i guess he knows. but at the end of the day, that's where i was wrong.

i gave him the power to hurt me, but i trusted him not to. in the end?

guess i shouldn't let my guard down so easily.

at the end of the day, he doesn't even sympathise with me. and everytime i think of him, where there was pain in the part, now just becomes an imense sadness.

my schdule is booked to the max, but why am i still feeling so empty? i mean, it doesn't take long for me to give in to sms-ing or calling him, and i think that sometimes, i let him back into my life back to easliy.

in the end? the one who gets hurt first? me.

i don't see any guilt, remorse, or even a tinge of sadness in his life. i never understood how ppl can say one thing, but do another. in my world, i was brought up terming them as, 'hypocrites'.

and nothing good comes from that term.

i'm trying. i think if the phrase 'trying too hard' exists, then i'm there.

no one understands. i swear.

its like i'm in life's deepest darkest pits. can't get out though.

smiling is pain

2008-06-07T07:01:00.000-07:00

going mad.
reali.
i need to see a psychatrist.

this hanging in the middle of nowhere thing,
is driving me nuts.
as in bonker's nuts.
i don't think im even coherent anymore.

don't even bother asking how am i, ppl.
reali.
don't. i won't know what to say.
to smile and say everything's fine,
when we all know its not?

smilingtakesalotofeffortnowadays.
so, spare me.

in tears

2008-06-06T10:33:00.000-07:00

ken, i miss you so much.

i think about you, all the time.
sometimes, i even hug my pillows,
my cushions, thinking that they'll have arms like yours,
and wrao me in their embrace.
that's how delusional i am.
that's how much you mean to me.
my whole world is falling apart.

i'm scared.
i'm scared to live life without you.
things were, happier, when u were around.
i longed for each day to come.
that was in the distant past.
now?
all we have were quarrells.
in the end, you finally backed out.

but still.
i miss you. so very much.
at times.
i feel like i can't even get through the next day.
tears flow like i just turned on a tap.
my tears used to mean so much to you.
you wiped every single drop.

just as your tears are to me.
my birthday present.
dragon tears.
remember?
or was that all only part of my memory?

i'm afraid to watch romance shows.
afraid to read love stories.
to even see couples pass me by.

where are you ken?
why won't you find me?
come back and find me, won't you?

please?

i love you.

baking

2008-06-05T23:41:00.001-07:00

well, i just dumped my brownie batter into the oven.
not bad. smells quite good. lol. if i say so myself.

every morning, i wake up to a dream about ken. reali. he doesn't seem to leave me.
then it feels like crap coz then you realise that you've only been dreaming,
and the reality is that he's not my bf anymore.
kinda sucks, that reality.
you feel empty, hollow.
and u wanna cry all over again.

personally, i think its even worse than dreaming about you've won $10,000,000
and waking up to find that its all just a dream.
coz at least, you know that in your life,
that could only be a dream.
but ken, he was so real. i had him before.
and not too long ago too.
sigh.

have been thinking alot the past few days.
actually, lesser than usual, coz of my energy draining, but relative to other people,
i guess its alot ba.
his family upbringing, versus mine.
he wouldn't change for anything,
neither would i.
but we're soooo different.
then how?

compromise?
i also dunno la.

mmmm. the brownie smells so yummy.
but i can't eat that.
the calories.
i know, coz i baked it.
i was just thinking,
brownies, top it up with ice cream.
heaven. bliss.
ben ben would love that i think.
haha.
dith too. she loves chocolate stuf.

see. last time i used to bake for him too.
but i felt he never did appreciate it.
he ate it in chunks.
and he didn't savour anything.
its as though its just any other kind of food that is meant to be eaten.
not baked lovingly by his gf,
a person tt he knows personally.

same with all the foods that i cook for him.
i NEVER cook.
ask my mum and she'll tell you tt before i knew ken,
i rarely stepped into the kitchen.
i couldn't tell the diff between small fire and big fire.
ha! and hence,
all the burnt stuff.
my sis always had to fry an egg for me.
coz i didn't know how to.
and i still don't.

thing is, i tried to be better for him.
but he didn't see it, did he?
he said thank you when i asked him to.
and that's about the best i can extract out of him.
like its just any other normal thing.

oh well. that's all in the past now i think.
past.
now?
present.
future?
blank.

taking one step at a time.
gotta lean how to stand up first,
before i can finally walk.
i guess i kept on thinking tt he's gonna be the one.
so i just depended on him, without anything to fall back on.
prob is, now tt he's gone.
i need to learn how to walk again, by myself.
painful thing, that is.

decisions that have got to be made on my own,
on top of many other problems.

like i say, "someday never really comes.."
gotta take your own actions to make sure u survive.

getting over a heartbreak, 101.

thinking

2008-06-05T09:17:00.000-07:00

heya peeps! in better spirits today.

i finally got out of the house.
went shopping with my sis at orchard.
she bought a NUM (david and goliath) shirt for me. (:
so generous of her. keke.
thanks wen! *hugs*

also bought a mango racer back.
GSS people! (kinda self explanatory)
spend, spend, spend!!
my poor sis is kinda broke though. (no pun intended)

a really attentive and hot NUM guy served us.
my sis and i were talking abt him,
even after leaving the shop.
guys like him are rare.
good-looking and gentlemanly.
he was very nice to the both of us.
prob coz of my sis's good looks.
fwahahaha.

went to play wii at sam tan's house for PJ.
played boxing with min hui until our arms ache.
shared abt our lives and updated each other.
ben is gonna go to vietnam.
to get a gf/wife. hopefully. lol.
*fingers crossed for him*
love the bantering between the both of us sometimes.
still love each other at the end of the day. (:

still miss ken alot.
sigh.

tired.
___

i was thinking. he once told me that he didn't believe in chasing a person back. if its meant to be yours, or if the other party reali wants you, they'll come back to you de, no need for him to chase back.

so, that got me thinking. is that what is he doing to me? what if i thought like him and heeded his words?

i'll just wait for him to come back, and if he's mine he'll return eventually?

den what are we doing? a waiting game? to see who lasts out the longest? if the both of us thought like him, den how?

if he doesn't make a move to want me back, and i don't make a move to want him back, (coz acc. to him, he says that if a person is reali yours, they'll come back), in the end we'll just both not get back, but drift apart.

right?

oh well. just a thought.

many a time, i wanted to sms him to tell him how much i miss him, and how much i love him. but according to him, not doing anything should be the way. so i refrain from doing so. besides, i dun wanna look like a loser who can't get over him and give him the mentality that he has the upper hand coz he can get away with murder. and with what he's putting me through, its close to that..

all our happy times were short-lived. i mean, reali short. as in, hours.

ya. just a thought.

better in time

2008-06-04T00:56:00.000-07:00

Leona Lewis - Better In Time lyrics

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Going coming thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realise that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gon' be ok

[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something there to remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings

If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings but that's the path I believe in
And I know that time will heal it
If you didn't notice boy you meant everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gon' be ok

[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is
I'll be fine without you
Yes I will

[Chorus: X2]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

update

2008-06-03T23:03:00.000-07:00

another session of whinning.

sigh. these past few days, i've been having dreams of ken. guess he means that much to me ba. its as if i can't run away frm him. when i'm waking i think of him, when i'm sleeping, even then, he won't let me off. i have to dream of him.

oh well. yesterday night's dream wasn't tt ideal either. we were on some tour group thingy, and he was supposed to be with me. but he ran off, and when i finally found him. he went, i cannot do my own things ar. but still. i don't even wanna see him anywhere.

though i highly suspect tt he has another girl outside. but ya.. like what mandy says, it doesn't really matter, does it. its over. but the hurt is worse when he breaks up with me for another girl, that's what i feel. sigh.

life is kinda routine now. wake up, turn on the tv. watch, think of what to do in the afternoon, blog, do it what i intended to do, turn on the tv in the evening and then watch. occasionally i come online and dunno do what also. exciting huh.

things could have been worse i guess. fortunately its my hols, so i can mope all i want.

on a lighter note, i've already lost 3kg. dunno how much more weight i can lose. girls. heed my advice. wanna lose weight? get involved in a break up. i'm serious. this is like a living nightmare.

i think today's the onli day where i had a proper lunch.

man. i dunno when am i gonna see the light at the end of my tunnel. sorta running low on batteries now.

fortunately for people like sab, mindy, mandy, min hui, ju, josel and charis, life's bearable i guess. i've got just enough energy to survive each day, but not much left to spare.

maybe if i'm better, i'll do baking tomorrow. maybe bake brownies for PJ people. it's already wednesday. hope the people have reached cambodia safely. gonna miss them.

dunno what to do for cell this week also. but i'm like soooo lethargic i dunno what to do. maybe gonna go blading later. maybe.

ken, happy that my life's a mess now? ur work of art. ta-dah!

crap

2008-06-02T22:07:00.000-07:00

every morning i wake, feeling like crap.

in the past, i used to love waking up, looking at the beautiful sunshine and feeling like you're on top of the world. now? i just wanna lie under the covers and wish that i wasn't on earth. you know, sometimes i half hope to wake up in heaven, maybe i died in my sleep or smth.

after i wake up, it gets slightly better. watch abit of TV, particularly cartoons and reality shows. it gets my mind of things for awhile, but not of much help.

then comes the afternoon where there isn't much tv shows on. i gotta rack my brains for things to do. yesterday i managed to hang out with my frens. today? i think i'm gonna clear my wadrobe and my bed. and if i have the time, i wanna do some painting. then after that, if i'm still free, i'll go blading. how's that?

i bombarded him with like 10 msges and 10 calls yesterdy night. cried from 8pm to 12pm. think its not gonna be any better tonight. but oh well. like what everybody else says, i'll survive. with scars, sure. but i'll survive.

maybe one day i'll be able to sing songs like over it by katherine Mcphee, over you by chris daughtry and i survived you by clay aiken. i'm looking forward to that day, really looking forward to the day that i'll rid myself of all the hurt and pain that you caused me.

eating anything seems like a chore, sleeping seems like a task that is impossible, smiling seems painful and thinking of you, well, seems suicidal.

painandhurtisalli'mfeelingnow.

love is giving someone the power to hurt you, but trusting them not to.

guess i was wrong to believe in a liar and hope that he'd change for the better.

my bad.

see? this is why people get less and less hopeful about things as they grow older. thanks to

people like you, ken.

three cheers and three cheers and three cheers for ho ken!

hip hip, hooray!

sigh. told you i'm going mad soon.

one last cry

2008-06-02T08:31:00.000-07:00

ONE LAST CRY (Brian Mcknight)

My shattered dreams and broken heart
Are mending on the shelf
I saw you holding hands, standing close to someone else
Now I sit all alone wishing all my feeling was gone
I gave my best to you, nothing for me to do
But have one last cry

Chorus:
One last cry, before I leave it all behind
I've gotta put you outta my mind this time
Stop living a lie
I guess I'm down to my last cry

Cry...... I was here, you were there
Guess we never could agree
While the sun shines on you
I need some love to rain on me
Still I sit all alone, wishing all my feeling was gone
Gotta get over you, nothing for me to do
But have one last cry

Repeat Chorus

I know I gotta be strong
Cause round me life goes on and on and on
And on.....
I'm gonna dry my eyes
Right after I had my
One last cry

Repeat Chorus

I guess I'm down
I guess I'm down
I guess I'm down...
To my last cry...

the break up

2008-06-01T18:55:00.000-07:00

i got your hint.
now i just gotta deal with it.

gonna look for a big box.
gonna pack up.
gonna learn to forget again.

funny how i thought jun chong was the last time i had to cry so badly over a guy.
and i thought that u were never gonna be like him.
or that we would never end up to be where we are today.
i guess, that's life. unpredictable.

memories that we shared,
would once again have to be shelved.
trying to forget wouldn't be easy.
you were the one who chose this path for the both of us i guess.
onus should go to you.

i'm gonna need lots of help.
dunno what i'm gonna do also.
Lord, give me the energy,
to do what's best according to Your will.
it's not going to be easy,
but it'll be easier with Your help.

half-dead.
gonna be fully dead soon.
all because of?
a single guy.
this is crap.
gotta find myself again.
here we go.....

random

2008-06-01T03:04:00.000-07:00

he hasn't called.

dunno why am i half expecting him to do anything at all.

loving God = obedience to His word.
that was what i learnt in sermon today.
execution?

"you made it all,
said "let there be",
and there was,
all that we see.
the soundof your voice,
the works of your hands,
you do all things well,
you do all things well."

amen.

i feel so so sad, lost, broken, listless, upset.
i think alot of other people around me are feeling this way too.
just got to know another person.

we're all struggling.
get a grip, huiling.

you'll survive.
i'll survive.

again

2008-05-31T07:04:00.000-07:00

I gotta say what's on my mind
Something about us
Doesn't seem right these days
Life keeps getting in the way
Whenever we try
Somehow the plan
Is always rearranged

It's so hard to say
But I've got to do what's best for me
You'll be okay

[Chorus]
I've got to move on and be who I am
I just don't belong here
I hope you understand
We might find a place in this world someday
But at least for now
I gotta go my own way

Don't wanna leave it all behind
But I get my hopes up
And I watch them fall every time
Another color turns to gray
And it's just to hard
To watch it all
Slowly fade away

I'm leaving today'
Cause I gotta do what's best for me
You'll be okay

*i hope i'll be okay*

mental

2008-05-29T22:33:00.000-07:00

it took jun chong 2 years to realise how much i meant to him. well.. just wondering. how long will ken take? sigh.

after watching Narnia, i was thinking, why doesn't God bring me up to heaven sooner? i reali wanna be in a place like Narnia. i hate this real world. i hate everything about this. HATE.

i feel, i've changed. changed to become a more insecure, less confident, less happy, less content person. yups. downhill all the way. funny how my mum thinks that i've become a better person. lol. i think i mellowed down with her cause i felt like there was no point, hence, i shut up. but oh well. if she thinks its a better thing, then its better like that ba. i've lost my zest for life. my thinking that i can change anything about this darned world afterall. ken managed to destroy whatever was left of it.

with every door closed, i can only learn to be smarter, more bitter, and less trusting. hah. and we wonder why adults behave the way they do. now i know. i can picture myself like my mum and dad already. one ages pretty quickly after they get out of a relationship ba. tired-ness sinks in, everything else is a mess. wow. a-m-a-z-i-n-g. not surprising though.

i'm losing it. my faith, hope, and trust. the things that mattered to me the most, since i was a young girl. i suddenly feel so.. alone. the world is so vast, and i'm so puny. who cares? no one.

my head hurts, but my heart hurts even more. some one please send an angel to help me. i need help i guess.

goingmadsoon.

ken's birthday

2008-05-24T13:57:00.000-07:00

seems like everytime i blog, i only write about sad things. oh well. like i said, this is my outlet what. if i'm happy, write for what?

i guess i tried to tell myself thousands of times that its over, but it never seems to be the case. i dunno if i'm delusional by thinking things will get better, or am i just insane. my sanity is more or less gone already. i was thinking quite a while back, would i rather have no pain, and no gain, or have gain, but pain is inevitable as well. i'm reali tired. this constant ding-dongs going in my head. gonna start reading the bible again and give God a chance at taking the reins of my life. tired of trying to take control of it alrady. since i can't do a good job of running my life, what harm can there be done if God takes over? i guess i've no been letting go of alot of things, and hence, even when God wants to help me, he can't.

i gotta let go, and surrender, everything. i'm tired of looking at things from my perspective and having to bear the burden of bearing he consequences. might as well let God decide, then the consequence also he bear. there's nothing much i can do anyway.

still, the ones who are there for me are forever there. you guys know who you are, and i'm way too tired to name them, but really, thank God for all of you angels in my life. life is more bear-able with you all. (:

that's a plus. shall upload pics of the cable car dinner that we had. just to show how nice it was.

but, i'm still very, very bitter towards him.

we were on the taxi on theway to vivo city. he rarely smiles for the camera. haha. spoiler.

we were in the cable car already. see the beautiful view behind? dinner had just started...

Happy 20th Birthday to the birthday boy! (:

Soup/First Round Cream of Tomato Soup Served with Garlic Crostini

Main Course/Second Round

Pan-fried Fish Fillet in Moroccan Spice

Served with Seasonal vegetables and mashed potatoes

Grilled Chicken with Pommery Mustard Jus

Served with Seasonal vegetables and Baked potatoes

Dessert/Third Round

Apple Crumble

Served with strawberry and Vanilla sauce

it was a beautiful night. 20th of may 2008. but too bad i don't have time to upload the scenary pics. (: yups. this marked the end of both of us i guess. lol. ironic huh.

this song is kinda inspiring. i hope one day i can sing this song, to tell him that i've really gotten over him.

!@#$%^I)(%^&*

2008-05-21T20:08:00.000-07:00

whoa. i'm so freaking pissed. again. no prizes for guessing who the culprit is. ya. i know we're over. but after yesterday.. he seemed so.. nice.

anyway, today he was very nice to me too. and it wasn't as if it worked only one way. i was nice to him too i guess. i wanted to meet up with him today, but he said he needed to study. so fine, go ahead and study. i was it's ok then. we'll see each other another day. but you know what he ended up doing? sleeping and playing DOTA!! yes. and i specifically told him that if he abstained from DOTA and studied. but did he manage to do that? no! he's addicted to that darn game.

plus, he's always screaming at me, and yelling at me. ugh. whatever. i think my life was much better without him in it. for awhile it seemed just the opposite, but i think life has a tendency of deluding people. or rather, people have a the tendency to delude themselves.

breaking up and patching back. breaking up and patching back. when will he let me go? why can't he understand its either he breaks all contact with me, like jun chong did, or take me back and reali try with all his heart to make up for lost time? these things only happens in novels, i swear. i'm gonna start writing a book, based on my life experience and i promise you, i'll get it published one fine day. i will. and the star jerk will be non other than him.

i truly resent the life that i'm living now, but there's not much i can do about it either. i'm really sick ad tired of him constantly shouting at me, not trying to do anything about whatever wrong he has done, and it isn't so much as to get down on your knees to beg forgiveness, he just doesn't try and say sorry at all. it's as if the whole world owes him like that.

i'm tired. reali reali tired. and i hate myself for saying this everytime, coz it seems as though i asked for it. ahh... gonna give up on this stupid life soon. plus, the way he can pretend as if everything is all right makes the whole thing worse. i swear. he just continues whatver he is doing, without a care in the world, and like the whole thing is my fault, and gives me the cold shoulder. sorry. it used to work on me last time, but now, i know it's just a ruse to get me to think that i was wrong, that i should take the blame for stuff, blah blah blah..

so now. i shall wait until he calls, if he doesn't, then forget it. not gonna contact him also. crap.

torn

2008-05-18T08:04:00.000-07:00

I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry
Well you couldnt be that man I adored
You dont seem to know,
dont seem to care what your heart is for
But I dont know him anymore
Theres nothing where he used to lie
My conversation has run dry
Thats whats going on, nothings fine
I'm torn

I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You're a little late, Im already torn

So I guess the fortune tellers right
Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light
To crawl beneath my veins and nowI dont care,
I have no luck, I don't miss it all that much
Theres just so many things that I can't touch,
I'm torn

I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You're a little late, I'm already torn.
torn.

There's nothing where he used to lie
My inspiration has run dry
That's whats going on, nothing's right, I'm torn
I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I'm ashamed bound and broken on the floor
You're a little late, I'm already torn

__

sigh. this is how i feel rite now. duno what's going on also.

another day

2008-05-15T08:38:00.000-07:00

man. i'm getting tired. tired of what, you may ask. well.. tired of checking my handphone every freaking 5 mins to see if there's a msg from him, tired of pretending to glance at my hp to see if i have, by chance, a missed call from him (which is absolutely ridiculous of me, and of which he ever calls, it won't be a missed call because i'd be right on the phone as soon as he calls).. what am i thinking man? the guy is NOT gonna do anything about this stupid relationship anymore. we're through! what more can be done!?! *slaps myself*

ish. i hate myself for thinking that it's possible that he tries to surprise me, one way or another. i'm sick of living it this way. though today was much better. i didn't get any msg-es or calls for him, but i did spend my day quite nicely. totally hooked onto this book called "remind me again why i need a man" by Claudia Carroll recommended by mindy. *applause* it reali got me off my miserable life for awhile. oh, and by the way, i said i wanted to start reading again right, and i did! so pleased with myself.

i finished..

1) P.S I Love You
2) Ptolemy's Gate
3) White is for Magic

and i'm gonna complete my current book today. all these done withing a week i must say. lol. and mind you, Ptolemy's Gate was a super thick book! i should say at least 1500 pages? but of course, i managed to finish it. duno why i have so much trouble with Norton though (my lit text that looks like a dictionary)

anyway, back to my stupid life. ugh. you know, yesterday night, i couldn't fall asleep, as usual. but in the end when i woke up, a thought struck me. if Ken didn't want to go through bad times with me, then what makes him think that i'll go through bad times with him? i even went to the extent of thinking, i'm hoping that he gets very very very rich, and has all the girls he wants. then he will realise that i loved him the most because i loved him when he was "poor", unlike when he is rich, and dunno if all the girls are attracted to his wealth or to him. that would serve him right. hmmph.

had a great lesson on the end times at min hui's place today. kudos to min hui for giving such a clear explanation. think she'll make a better teacher than me. had a good time laughing also, with familiar people and faces. i'm hoping that tomorrow's chalet, i'll have a good time too. i'm kinda looking forward to that. somehow, at chalets, one totally loses track of time, which is what i wanna do so much.

totally lost now. dunno what to think also.

oh ya. i managed to iron my clothes today and i'm kinda pleased with myself.

anyway, i realise i dun have any pictures in any of my recent posts. shall upload pics of the chalet when i come back k? promise.

meanwhile, hello lonliness, goodbye happiness for me!!

tired...

2008-05-14T08:09:00.000-07:00

ok. here we go again. another whining session, coming right up. oh well. sometimes i wonder, what does he do with all the "free" time he has now. man. i got soooo much free time now. yet, i dun seem to have the want to do anthing. no. it's not the laziness factor. and also no, not the given a choice, anybody would also want to do nothing kind of feeling.

thinking too much i think. i can't sleep every night. and in the day, i'm so drained that i've got no energy to do anything at all. grr.. this is getting on my nerves. seriously. i think i've been too dependent on my medication to help me to get to sleep. now, without it, i've got the wonderful problem of having trouble falling asleep again. or perhaps, due to me breaking up with ken, i'm in that kind of situation again. well then, welcome to my life.

sigh. been living in this kind of life recently. what's a girl supposed to do man. what? i reali am out of ideas here. on one hand, i'm trying to live my life as per normal, on the other, i still long for the times where i had Ken by my side. i guess this is what edith calls "being in love with the feeling of being in love" ba. sighs. this is reali maddedning. i guess i got to start looking for a job soon.

some more, the driving thing has been nagging at me. everytime i start thinking about my test, i sill get jittery. ish. i dun wanna fail again. i got so many people to face man. especially after the Ken saga, i don't want to fail this stupid test already. i'm getting very irritated with my life. look at it this way, everytime i go out, i need to spend money, but everytime i stay home, i'll feel like a useless bum. how?

i'm gonna go mad soon. i think it's a depression problem thingy. think my life is getting from bad to worse. but i do agree that it can get worse than this.. ugh. why? why do i always not think of the consequences before i fall in love? every time i fall out of love, i swear that i'll not do the same things as i did before, but it's like deja vu all over again, just with a different person now. not exactly a very smart thing to do, but ya.. search me.

i miss my students. i miss teaching them. i miss their naive-ness. i miss them taking up most of my energy. but maybe, during that time, i had Ken as my bf, and we were both very very content and very much in love with each other. but now? so far away from that.

i cried. i cried long and hard today. when i played my piano, and think about the songs he used to sing to me, or hum. geez. i'm so affected by everything that we did. why doesn't he feel the same man? why? what in the world is wrong with the both of us?

God.. please tell me what lesson do you want me to learn out of this. perhaps after revealing it to me, my life would seem more meaningful or easier?

hmm. while i was typing this, a thought just struck me. i went for dialect service last sunday, and although the speaker was speaking in hokkien and cantonese, i did understand his sermon. his message was joy in the midst of suffering. he wa saying that God didn't promise us a life of no suffering, but rather, a life full of trials. but the thing is, after our faith has been tested and tried, are we still His? do we still belong to God?

does God still care? does He still want me? i'm tired. i want him to hit me with his best shot, get it over and done with, and then let me continue with my miserable life. i'm tired of trying to fall asleep every night. tired of thinking of Ken all the time. tired of attempting to pray to God every night but yet, still have no answer or anything. how? i feel like i'm living double lives. on one hand, its the happy, bubbly girl (or now, its sort of died down. i don't have the energy anymore), versus the depressed little girl who constantly is angry with the world and has major mood swings.

i'm tired. TIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

bliss

2008-05-12T23:13:00.000-07:00

empowerment! lol. that's what i sorta feel now. but i know once the night comes, it gets reali jia lat and i'll end up missing him and everything.

but ya. ben was telling me, if i constantly think that i've put in so much and hence i dun wanna pull out, and end up putting in some more effort, but in the end, its still the same, might as well cut it now. and cut my losses. crude, but logical.

was thinking about the quote "dubito ergo cogito; cogito ergo sum." (i doubt, therefore i think; i think therefore i am) -rene descartes- you know, people around me that i'm thinking too much etc etc.. but uncle wong mui, at one of our family sessions, told me, don't ever stop thinking. and he was the first person who told me that. and he said, a good mind is also needed to love God. the bible did say, "love the Lord your God with all of your heart, mind, soul and strength." but often, we love with the other three, but not the mind.

so you see, sometimes thinking helps. and the quote rather expresses why i think. i doubt, that's why i bother to take another step forward to think, and because i think, i am whoever i am. that is it. its my being. its what my thoughts are that make me who i am. hence, to me, thinking seems critical and i admire people who put alot of thoughts into their decisions. anyone can do rash things, but it takes the wise ones to think. i'm striving towards there though. i'm still in the rash part. talk before i think. but hey, i'm willing to learn. that's step one.

so ya.. just a thought for today. i'm enjoying my hols. chilling, relaxing, reading, playing the piano, doing whatever i want. going for a chalet on friday and i'm looking forward to that. (:

bliss.

i'm a princess

2008-05-11T14:50:00.000-07:00

you know what? i've been thinking, as i always have.

i'm gonna re-take charge of my life. i've been really bogged down by BGR issues. but come to think of it, i always knew what i wanted out of my dream guy, and i've decided i'm gonna get him, by hook or by crook. if i want a guy who treats me like a princess, then i'll make sure i'll find him. don't try and talk me out of it. save your words of practicality. i want to live my life this way. i woud rather always remember this "dream" that i have and aim towards it, and die striving towards it, rather than to settle for someone other than that, just because of the word "reality". sorry, not gonna happen anymore.

i want the guy that sweeps me off my feet, every time. not some high flyer who can only think about his goals, his ideas etc.. and if i find that guy, i'm gonna love him and treasure him and he'll love me even more. and we're gonna be very very madly in love. don't say it's impossible because you haven't seen it happen. no one wants to try, and settle for less than they deserve, that's why it's not happening! you can't go wrong with that. but i'm gonna make this dream come true, or die trying.

with all that's been happening right, i seemed to have lost track about this ideal that i had. i'm sick and tired of having to try so hard in a relationship. it should come naturally, and not through all these rough patches and trying to compromise and make your view be heard etc etc.. if that's the case, i might as well go join PAP or something.

but what i want, as long as i can remember, is a guy who can give me all that i dreamed of, and perhaps even more. a guy who treats me right, and not like the crap that this thing called "life" is giving me. i want to be a princesss to the guy of my dreams, and i'm gonna hold on to that thought for as long as it takes.

it just takes one to believe in something, or for someone to believe in you for that matter, and you can go very very far. i'm giving that guy out there a chance, and if that guy isn't ken, i'm not gonna try and force him to be my prince. i shall go out there, myself, and find that guy.

a fairytale is what i deserve and i'll accept nothing less than that. i'll trust in God to help me fulfill this dream along the way. it's not very hard. as long as i know that i have God's backing, then nothng can go really really wrong. i still believe, among all things else, that this world is still full of miracles. me becoming a princess (of course, metaphorically speaking) is just another one. dream big, and you'll be surprised at what you can achieve.

i'm gonna be a princess and i'm gonna try and change the way things work, perhaps even in the world. but first, i gotta start out small with my life. i'm gonna try and use my life, to touch other people, and that way, i'm making a difference too. maybe not to the whole world, but at least to my world, to the people around me that i love and care about.

i'm going to do this, with or without Ken..

listen up people, i'm going to be a princess and it's NOT going to be just merely a dream. i'm going to wait for my prince to sweep me off my feet. minor setbacks here and there, but i'm confident that this WILL work. life is dreary and boring enough already. i have 2 choices, agree with that statement and live it life it is. or change it, and be that change. i choose the latter.

i'm a PRINCESS without (or maybe, one day i will have) a tiara, but a princess nonetheless. (:

i'm a princess in my right!

sigh

2008-05-08T16:40:00.000-07:00

ok. great. so now i'm deemed as childish. and guess who told me that? ya. my sis. so? she thinks she's reali mature now la! and the best part. there are people in church that agree with her.

see. there comes a point in a person's life where they feel they are useless in a society already, and usually that point is when they hit the sixities, but not me. i think i've already hit it. man. i'm so so mad at everyone, obviously including my sis.

the nights that she's been coming back late, who reprimanded her? no one. obviously not her darling parents who love her so much. i've totally lost all respect for my parents le. they are the ones who should be bringing up thier children right, and scolding them where they should be scolded, but nooo.. these two don't. the same can't be said for me though. one moment my mum is talking bad about my sister with me, the next, my sis is lying on her tummy and my mum is joking with her. thanks. in case u didn't realise, i kinda see that as hypocrisy.

which brings me to the next point. am i that childish? or bad? if the people i love and trust the most (ie, church people) can say these things about me, then what different are they from other societies in the world? see. that's the problem. the more "unmasked" one is, the more vulnerable that person is too. you can't let ur guard down anywhere, not even in church.

ya. my thinking may be warped, but.. i duno la. i still think i should run away and just get lost. perhaps start life fresh again. i will, when i have the chance. my passion in life has sorta died here already. sigh. church. the place where there should be least politics.. man. gotta be weary of wherever i tread. gone were the days where one said something and people didn't judge you. gone were the days where one did something and there was no one to judge you. sorry man.

life is just.. crap. go ahead! try convincing me why life is beautiful. la dolce vita indeed, like i said.. bleah. so far, nothing has convinced me enough that life is beautiful. we all strive just to survive. what taught me these. people. everyone around me. childish. great. another thing to change again. a big whoopee! nawt. haiz. it's like i'm trying and trying to change for the people around me, and if u manage to correct one fault. they won't cut u slack, but rather, they'll make u try and correct more. and one would be judged more harshly on the latter.

ugh. duno if i can understand what i just typed. but all i know is that i'm irritated and frustrated and angry. why!!
__

Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea A
nd frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee
Little Jackie Paper loved that rascal Puff,
and brought him strings and sealing wax and other fancy stuff.
Oh

Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee
Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee

Together they would travel on a boat with billowed sail
Jackie kept a lookout perched on Puff's gigantic tail,
Noble kings and princes would bow whene'er they came,
Pirate ships would lower their flags when Puff roared out his name.
Oh

Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee
Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee

A dragon lives forever but not so little boys
Painted wings and giant rings make way for other toys.
One grey night it happened, Jackie Paper came no more
And Puff that mighty dragon, he ceased his fearless roar.

His head was bent in sorrow, green scales fell like rain,
Puff no longer went to play along the cherry lane.
Without his life-long friend, Puff could not be brave,
So Puff that mighty dragon sadly slipped into his cave.
Oh

Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee
Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee

on a sidenote. i reali love this song. to me, it shows the childlikenes of everyone, yet sooner or later, they have to face that reality, and puff the magic dragon would just eventually fade and become memories. but.. puff was eventually gone when his fren jackie paper stopped looking for him. *sobs* i still cry whenever i hear that bit. it brings back memories..

where?

2008-04-29T23:49:00.000-07:00

hey.. haven been blogging for quite awhile le. well.. a quick update. hp problem, solved! ken helped me through it and i reali appreciate it. please please please, don't ask me what's going on. i myself am also very lost, so please, i'd appreciate it if u all just read and not ask.

sigh. i duno how also. somehow, if i get into trouble again, i don't expect any sympathy from anyone. yet, i can't help feeling that this is right. i wish i could be a small girl again, where all i believed was i could find true love somewhere and all these crap that i'm going through doesn't exist in real life. ha! there's a thought. dream on baby, dream on..

ken is reali nice at times. and i can see that he's making a real effort to change. but ... is this for real? guess i don't dare to find out, hence i'm so hesitant. trust. but dare i give him that all over again? i'm scared. real scared of the hurt that may come.. but.. if i don't, i know i'll regret it. so how?

i can't help but remember all the times we had. and its not like he's cheating on me. we just need alot of straightening out to do. and i believe him. and i still choose to think that he's not that bad after all. we all still need second chances, don't we? but.. prob is, i don't think he even wants this second chance.

God, where is my prince?

i feel so sad, and heavy-hearted. at this moment..